The Reports of my Death are Greatly Exaggerated

I have been away because of a computer problem that has been repaired by my man Hellboy Josh. The guy is a whiz with computers and he did what I could never have done. And I would like to say one thing about not posting. That's what it took to get a couple of people to comment. Just think about that people. And kicking my grammar when I'm down, well how heartless can you get. But I'll wipe the tears from my eye and continue to bring you this crap.

Here are a couple of lines that you can tell your gastroenterologist as you are in the middle of a colonoscopy.


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Sunday Morning Funnies

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."

Welcome to Uncle Willie's Joke Club

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where she is. Ok press number 3.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. Ok press number 6.

"You're really in pretty good shape for a man of 65," said the doctor reassuringly. "Of course, you're only 48..." Press number 8


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." Press 11.

And another thing.............

What is invisable and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.