The Boneman

This about our one and only dog Barney. When we were first married my wife every once in a while would say we should get a dog. And I would say NO. Why you ask. Well I'll tell you. Because I would be the one who ended up taking care of the pooch.

My wife was working for a trucking outfit at the time, and one of the drivers,from Michigan, had come in with these puppies. So naturally because I had said no, she took one. So I get a call to come pick up this pooch at her office. I did. The pup turned out to be really cute. Da, like all puppy's aren't cute. I bring the bugger home and I fall in love with him. Not in the biblical sense, but in the cute sense. I named him Barney after the character on the Andy Griffith show. Why Barney? Because I like the name Barney and I like Barney Fife. And as the years passed he was called many names by my wife and myself. A couple of examples were Barn, Berney, Barnyard, Boney, Bonealeia, Boneman, B man, the Barnster, and just plain B. Now that I think about it, with all these names,no wonder he never came when you called him.

To my wife and I he was just the perfect dog. Loving and always happy to see you when you returned home. But to the 5 or six people who he bit he was not loved but feared. Yes the B-man had a little problem. He liked the taste of flesh. Now this was a real problem, because we would always have to be on the look out when we had people over to our home. We would agonize about whether we should get rid of him all the time, but he was so dam cute plus he was not biting us.

We were at our wits end when someone suggested a dog behaviourist. So we contacted this man and made a appointment for him to come to our home and check out the Boneman. He arrived at our home one night and started to plan what we were going to do to try and change Barney's appetite for blood. He seemed very scientific in his approach and said he would show us the first behavioural change that night. He said that we should keep Barney in the house and he would go outside. Then he said that he would barge in the front door very aggressively and we would see how he handled our aggressive dog. We let the dog in and all of a sudden here comes the behaviourist. He barges through the door the B-man goes after him and he smacks him in the head with his hand. Very scientific I thought. I could have done that myself. So we paid this man a goodly amount of money to come to our house and smack our dog in the head. Brilliant. After that we just watched him closely around people or kept him away from our guests.

One of the many charms that the B-man had was wanting to go outside 500 times a day. But the best of times was early in the morning say about 2 AM. I would have to get up for work at 3:45 AM every morning. This is something you never get use to. I hear people all the time say,"I don't need a alarm clock to get up I just get up everyday at the same time". Well If you get up at 3:45 AM this will not happen.
You would hear the dog whimpering at your bedside and you would have to let him out. My wife and I would take turns letting him out. There was this fun game we use to play, "you let him out I let him out the last time'. " No you didn't it was me who let him out". This would go on for about 5 minutes till one of us gave up. I would go down stairs and let Barney out the back door. And the Boneman would do one of three things. He heads out and does his business and comes right in. Or he walks out on the porch and stands there looking out into the yard and comes back in. Or one of my favorites, he would do his business and than walk around the perimeter of the yard for half and hour while I am screaming his name to come in, which he is ignoring. We finally put in a dog door about a year before he died.

The Barn man was very sly too. When we were at home he would never try to get up on the furniture. But if we went out, when we would return he would always greet us at the door as if all were normal. But if you put your hand on the couch it would be warm from him sleeping on it. But we would never catch him in the act. I think he had a camera installed outside to monitor our comings and goings.

Berny lasted about 13 years and we loved him a lot. He was a good dog to us. The best part about having a dog that goes nuts when people come to the door is, no girl scout cookies, no magazine sales, no politicians and no Jehovah Witnesses. Thanks Barn.