Seinfeld Bloopers

These out takes from one of my favorite programs Seinfeld. As many times as I watch these episodes I still laugh at all of the jokes. These outtakes have one of my favorite out takes, it's the one with Kramer and his pipe night. I got the idea for this post from a friend, Jeremy of Jeremy's Status Message, who had been watching his wife sleep all day because she is with child. He was was going to write about sleeping but came up with a Seinfeld clips instead.

The Answer is " I Don't know".

Yesterday I could not get on the net. Why? I don't know. I called my cable company and within 45 minutes of questioning and me pushing many buttons the answer from the expert was "I don't know what's wrong". But this morning it is working again and I don't know why. Did the cable company send someone to my home ,who in the dark of night broke in, repaired the computer and left without leaving a sign that he or she was there. Well that seems like the logical answer and I will not go any further in my quest to find out. But I am going out and buying a bear trap for my next outage. So sleep tight cable repair person.

What did you get on that hole?

Yesterday I took a friends 11 year old boy out to play nine holes of golf. I use to love to play golf, and when I use to live in New Jersey. I would play sometimes three time a week. When I first took up the game I was getting pretty good scores and then I started to count ALL of my strokes in a round, and discovered that I was not very good. I continued to play the game for 25 or 35 years with scores ranging from my best of 81 to many games in the 110's. And those scores could be on consecutive days. Needless to say I was never called Mr Consistency. But I just loved to be out of doors and with friends for 4 to 5 hours.

With the game of golf the only exercise you get is walking, that is if you walk the course and not take a golf cart, and actually swinging the club, which probably be 15 minutes in a 18 hole round.

I played like I said 3 or 4 times a week in Jersey but when I moved to Maine I just stopped playing. I have lived in Maine for 6 years now and have played 3 times counting yesterday. And I have a 9 hole course within a mile of my home. Well anywho I take my friends kid out to play 9 holes yesterday and may have renewed my passion for the game. The following are the strokes I took on all nine holes;

1.par 5...11 Nothing like getting started on the right foot.
2.par 4...11 This going to be brutal.
3.par 4...4 Look out Uncle Willie is back.
4.par 4...9 Uncle Willie is not back.
5.par 5...7 Not bad.
6.par 4...5 " "
7.par 4...6 " "
8.par 3...6 These numbers are getting big. I"ll let the kid add them up.
9.par 3...4 I think I will play again soon.
63

I bet the kid that the loser would buy a ice cream after the round. I did not buy the ice cream this day and I rubbed it in for the rest of the day. Those 11 years old's can't take the constant barrage of insults all day. They get real emotional and start to cry after 4 hours. Welcome to the real world punk. For Uncle Willie and my moose tracks ice cream it was a good day.

No Money

Did anyone ever have a overdraft of a checking account? Anybody, just raise your hands. Well my hand is waving from my seat. Over the weekend we had guest from afar, New Jersey, and we all went out to eat at a local restaurant. After the meal the check was spit and my friend payed half and I payed the other half. Because it is getting to the end of the month our checking account is getting a little low. But what happen is just a horrible mistake that cost me about 100.00 bucks. The evil restaurant charged me twice for my half making that a whole. They also charged my buddy for his half, so we payed together 150% of the check. Now I know why the owner of the restaurant goes to Mexico in the winter, he can afford it with billing like this. And my bank does not want to hear me crying about not having the monies to cover any bill, even it it is a mistake. I just want to screen and stomp my feet like the four year old I am. I am still in the process of trying to straighten this problem out, it is consuming my precious bodily fluids( This reference "precious bodily fluids" is from the movie Dr Strangelove.) So I have now come to the realization that the whole world is out to get me and I can do nothing about it. But I am not paranoid. "Who's that behind that rock, it looks like the bank manager"?

Not a Convenience

Yesterday I delivered about 30 modern paintings, for an exhibit, to a small college in Mass. I don't alway understanding what the modern artist is trying to say in these paintings, but I can appreciate a design or the combination of colors. But the painting I delivered yesterday I did not like at all, on any level. And my disliking of the paintings could have been clouded because I had found out that the artist was from Texas and a friend of Dick Chaney. But that is not the real story the real story is when I stopped in to the Irving gas/convenience store for a pee and a drink to replenish what I will be leaving. My first complaint is about the men's room. After I do my business I wash my hands, but you have to touch the tap to turn it on and off. Then to dry your hands you have to touch the paper towel dispenser to get a towel. And then you have to grab the door handle to get out of the place. So what is the use of washing your hands when by the time you leave the men's room you are covered with more germs then you came in with. Poor bathroom design.

Next I grab myself a drink and head to the cash register to pay. I am the 50th person in line to check out because, the cashier is on the phone and she is the only person here. The person in back of me just kept saying " This is ridiculous to have just one person running the whole station." And I of course had a snappy reply and said "Yep". And to add to this experience the person in front of me was doing the monthly shopping and spent 50.00 dollars at a convenience store. I could be in this store for a week before I cash out. But finally making it to the cashier I said "I think you need help". She just stared at me and said nothing. So I just smeared my germ covered hands all over her counter and left. That will teach them not to annoy Uncle Willie.

Jennette and Barry......Friends

This week end I reconnected with a good friend and I realized right away why we were so close at the time. It was like we hadn't seen each other in two weeks instead of the 30 years that it actually was. We both have the same sense of humor and we both think alike politically we just connect on all levels. Also his wife, who I never met, was just a beautiful person and after the visit I felt that I had know her my whole life. I know now that we will be connected through out the rest of our lives and that is a good thing.

Sportsmanship at the Olympics

Well it's I got nothing Sunday so here you go. The Cuban taekwondo athlete disputing a call.

You Have a Bug on You

Last night we were headed to the little town of Port Clyde to take a picture at the lighthouse there. It has been an on going thing for my wife and I to take a picture of everyone of our visiting guests in front of the Marshall Point lighthouse. Last night was beautiful, the temperature was just right and the sun was just going down a perfect setting, it was right out of a Maxfield Parrish painting, if it were not for the five thousand mosquitoes that landed on every exposed part of my body. It was a scene right our of a Stephen King novel, with people covered with the little insects. I finally snapped the picture of our friends, and before I lost consciousness from blood lost, we jumped right back into our car. The noise from four people scratching themselves for ten minutes was deafening. I could hardly hear the radio. Well any who, one thing that I have noticed over the course of my like, that there is always something or somebody screwing with my moments of paradise.

It only hurts when I polevault

In honor of dropping batons, tripping over hurtles and only scoring one run against the Japanese here is the worst polevault.

Making Out for Two Hours

Lee Andrews and the Hearts was one of my favorite singing groups in my youth. I use to play this 45 about a thousand times in a row. And at that time all I could think about was the opposite sex about 45 thousand times a day. And when I did get together with the many thousands of girlfriends I had back in the day, all we would do was make out. And I mean we would kiss for hours. I remember a party my girl friend at the time attended, where she spend the whole night sitting on my lap and making ,out as we use to say. At the end of the party her brother came to pick us up and I must have looked really strange. I had worn a seersucker suit which now looked like before I put it on, was smashed into a ball and tied together, I mean to say it was a wrinkled mess and to go along with my bright red face from kissing for 2 hours I was quite the site. Oh well I had a great time and did not care how I looked, I was in love.

Spinning Spinning Spinning Spinning Spinning Spinning Spinning

Spinning, spinning, spinning that's the only time I ever get any comments about what I have written about. You people have nothing at all to say about any other thing that I write about. "Gee Uncle Willie that was so funny" or "Gee I never looked at that that way" or "Gee Uncle Willie you are such an asshole". You know what, if you think I'm a asswhole ( that misspelling is for Mr Snootles so that maybe he will comment.) don't comment I have feelings to you know. My posts are recognized around the world examples; New York Times "Uncle Willie's take on politics is special and insightful a political analysts that only comes along in a life time". The London Telegraph; Uncle Willie's " the Yank from across the pond" post" Lard Try it Today" was the best article written on lard in 40 years. The Altona-Laverton Mail (Melbourne; Altona; "Mutant Giraffes at the Border" Why I almost stepped on a Platypus I was laughing so hard mate". And the Camden Herald ,Maine " Uncle Willie a local treasure to be looked upon as a precious stone". So there!

Just Run You Jerk

I hope Usain Bolt, of Jamaica, loses the next medal race, at the Olympics, by 15 lengths. Why because he is a showboat, someone who tries to show up all his competitors. Now this guy is clearly blessed with tremendous speed, but be a little humble, show some class. Here is my dream race for Mr. Bolt. Bolt is out front by 10 lengths when, at the 3/4 mark, he starts to look back at the other competitors and trips over his feet and falls to the ground breaking the fall by squarely landing on his face. The only injury is his giant ego.



And talking about showboating, I was watching the Little League World Series yesterday, the game between Italy and Curacao. The Italian team was clearly out matched by the powerful Curacao team. And because soccer is the number one sport in Italy and not baseball, the Italian team kicked the ball to each other rather then throw it. It was quite bazaar and was possibly the reason they lost 14 to 1. But getting back to the showboating thing, the Curacao team had some very good players who were very powerful. Three or four of them hit very long home runs. But what they did after they hit the long tatters is what I did not like. They stood at the plate, for a good long time, and watched the ball leave the park like some major leaguers do now. Is this good sportsmanship from a team that is playing a clearly outmatched Italian team. Are kids of today all emulating the wrong kinds sports figures. Give me the Yankees Mickey Mantle, who after hitting one of his 536 home runs, would not stop and stare at the ball, who then would run the bases with his head down at a good pace showing a little humility. That's the kind of sports figure our kids should be mimicking.

A New Dog in Town

Watch out Evil there could be a new dog in town and his name is Dan. That's right while you are lying around on the beach sucking up Mi Tie's and nibbling on cocktail wienies Dan is kicking some butt in the Saturday spin class. I like taking Dan's class on Saturday morning because it is familiar, it's like comfort food you know what you are going to get because it is always the same. But the last couple of weeks he has been throwing in little tweaks to his routine. But this Saturday he kicked butt. I was sweating and panting like Barbaro after winning the Kentucky Derby. Plus after the workout I could hardly talk, you could say I was a little horse. Get it, Barbaro, horse. Well any who it was a hell of a workout. So Evil you had better get back soon or you could be number two on the chart. And when I do see you next I hope you will not be the 200 pound alcoholic with small colorful paper umbrellas stuck to you cloths and smell of cheese steaks and Hersey bars that I am picturing in my head. Oh the horror of it all.

Fox Smear Obama

Scumbag Limbaugh

Another stupid comment from a hateful, overweight, drug taking moron. Keith Olbermann exposes this moron.

Sorry About Last Post Clip Being Taken Down

Here is Keith Olbermann with his worst person award. The number one is the guy in the clip below. He is some religious nut who prayed to his god to make it rain on the venue when Senator Obama will give his acceptance speech.

Report From a Fu*k'in Idot

Let us pray. Jebus please take this reporter and turn him into a bug and let him climb on my wall so that I can crush his little bug body all over my nice clean wall. Also before you turn him into a bug please make him a lesbian with a unwanted pregnancy and the father is Charles Manson or Dick Chaney or some other despicable character. All the while have it rain on this knucklehead for ever. Thanks alot. Amen

Chinese Gymnasts Asked for Ba-ba

Watching the women's gymnastics team, on Tuesday, against the Chinese team made up of kindergarten students was very entertaining. I don't want to say that they looked very young but they had to move up the competition because the Chinese team had to be in bed by 7 o clock . I don't want to say they looked young but after their routine was over they didn't go for a drink of water but were fed a bottle and then burped by the coach. The USA's team was very good except for one of the women, who choked like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich, in two events. But that's life and after medal ceremony, the women who choked, was taken out and beaten to a pulp by the other team mates. I bet she will be better next time. But the one thing that amazed me was that after every routine was completed they would all go over and hug an kiss each and every teammate, each and every time. I was wondering if that behaviour extended to when a teammate comes back from the bathroom. But that's just the way I think about things. Creepy huh.

A Touch of Evil

We got a touch of Evil on Monday and I don't mean the Orson Wells movie, I mean the evil spin goddess. That right she is back with a new energy. She put us through a hard workout on Monday. God I missed being screamed at through out the whole workout. But it will be short lived as she is off to Pittsburgh for her parents, Nana and Papa Evils, 50th wedding anniversary. So she won't be running the class for another two weeks. I tried to convince her not to go, with my everybody does the 50th anniversary why not march to your own drummer and have a 51st anniversary. But that fell on deaf ears. Oh well so we will wait and long for that squeaky voice yelling "Come on you you slack jawed yokels, faster".

Expert Commentators

I have been watching the Olympics and one to the things that is remarkable to me is the expert commentators. Last night I was watching the synchronized diving and on ever dive this commentator would criticize the dive for some reason. In Willie's world every dive looked perfect, but she had picked out this little move that wasn't just right. And she was right 99.9 percent of the time. I'll watch the dive and say to myself that was perfect. Then the commentator would say " Did you see that, the diver on the left had his pinkie out and they will lose points for that". And guess what? They lost points for that pinkie. And to show what kind of judge I would be, the two Russian divers made a dive where one of them turned the wrong way. Did I catch it, nooooooooooooooooooo. If I would, for some bazaar reason, become a synchronized diving judge, the announcers probably would say something like " Well the American judge has given every country a 10.0. It's like this guy doesn't know what he's doing. And they would right.

You Have Got to See This Guy's Act

Auguest 9,2008

The sun-spin class-Mary trying every bike-Heidie trying every bike-Mary gives me free tickets to the boat show-get new cell phones- meet friends at boat show-lust after million dollar yachts-wife does not buy anything-go to Black Bull Pub for cocktails and munches-one martini- feeling good-two martini's- feeling better-munchies- third martini- t many martoonies-where am I-wife drives home-in bed at 7:30-lesson learned-one is not enough-two is too many-three is stupid.

He's too Good and that's Bad

He is too popular and respected. He's too well educated. His great speeches are attended by many enthusiastic people -- just like Hitler! He's too fit. These are a couple of the media reports about Barack Obama. Am I crazy but aren't these things assets. It is amazing how the press will go out of it's way to portray the Democratic candidate. They will use positive facts and paint them as negative.If we don't watch out we will have 4 more years of the same thing we had for the last 8.

Our President

Rain Again

Rain rain go away come again some other day. I have a friend who is a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window with his wife and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," his wife said. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." I wonder what the sun looks like. It has been raining a lot here in the mid coast of Maine and we can expect it to continue at least another couple of days. I don't want to say that it has been humid but when I woke up this morning I had a patch of mushrooms growing under my arm. I just want to see the sun, just once before I die. Oh well let me get my umbrella and rain coat ready for the weekend. Sun please!

Here is the Beatles singing, guess what?

A Dogs New Best Friend

Have you got a problem with a male dog that is embarrassing you in front of your guests. Keep your dog away from your pillows and your legs with this inventive new product. Go Here and click on number 13.

Is It Bombardment or Tennis

Tennis is suppose to be a gentlemen game. Well you wouldn't know it if you played with the people I play tennis with. In the last two weeks I have been hit by at least 7 or 8 different people. My wife is always asking me were I am getting all of these 3 inch round black and blue marks all over my body. And the spot that is getting hit the most is in the nether regions, enough said. My voice has gone up 3 octaves since I started playing tennis. I'll never forget the look on the sales persons face when I asked for a protective cup. The clerk asked if I am playing softball , and when I said it was tennis he looked at me a little strangely. Last night I was hit in the leg and my own partner hit me in the head, my own partner. I am starting to wonder if this group is full of really bad players or if they are sending me a message. I also think they may not like my high pitched voice.

Here is a couple of bloopers.

The T-Shirt Of Terror

Here Comes the Sun

The last day of our guests visit ended with few rays of sunshine. After a morning of clouds and an afternoon of heavy rain the clouds parted and sun finally appeared. Suddenly Mt Battie came in to view. There was Islesboro and Vinalhaven popping out of the bay. Finally the full beauty of the mid coast of Maine had come into view. Now I am not saying that the morning fogs over the harbors and surrounding hill don't have a wonderful beauty. But the sun just brings out everything.

I think our guests had a good time in spite of the weather. With two young kids in the house for 4 days it was a blast. With a 12 year old and a 9 year old it was non stop running. The best thing about having new guest is that you get to see all the sites you pay little attention to all year and realize why you live were you live.

The photo is of our two young guest at the Lobster Parade in Rockland Maine.

A Good Night

Last night I attended the Lobster Festival and what a treat it was. It was not the lobster that I dipped in butter and rub all over my face but the entertainment. The first act was Freddy "Boom Boom Cannon who I heard but did not see as I was dealing with the afformention lobster. But we did catch Jay and the Techniques who hit song in the 70's was Apples ,Peaches, Pumpkin Pie, a song the I thought, at the time, had a very strange title, but use to sing every time it came on the radio. The lead singer Jay put on a hell of a show with a tons of soul music form the 60's and 70's. But the act that I was waiting for was Little Antony and the Imperials and they did not disappoint. With songs like "I'm On the Outside Looking In," "Goin' Out of My Head," "Hurt So Bad," "Take Me Back," and "Shimmy, Shimmy Ko-Ko Bop." And they sounded great with great harmonies and a little dancing, they put on a great show. A real treat for me was when they sang a song that I really loved back in the day, "Two Kinds of People In The World", which is one of my favorites. Another treat was that it was all of the original guy's in the group. All and all it was a very good night.

Here is Little Anthony and the Imperials singing a medley of their hits.

Where Can I Get A Bucket of Butter

Last week a Maine lobster man pulled up a record making lobster. The lobster was over 10 feet long and weights in the neighborhood of 1000 pounds. This monster was promptly dragged onto a flat bed and paraded through the streets to promote the Lobster Festival in Rockland this week end. The problem now is finding the 15 foot bowel and melting a 100 gallons of butter. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lobzilla.

I Hate Kevin Mannix

Well our guest our here and its wonderful to see them. Now lets get to the weather today. Morning fog then cloudy with a chance of showers. Today schedule a 2 hour sailboat ride along the beautiful coast that you will not be able to see because of the fog. Then its a trip up Mt Battie to see the beautiful towns of Camden, Rockport and Lincolnville from the top that you will not be able to see. Then we will ride around and show our guest the area but we will have to stay in the car because of the showers. And maybe we will go down to Port Clyde to see the light house and take some pictures in the dense fog. And tonight I will show them pictures of everything they would have seen if the weather had co-operated. And then later that night I will be looking for a sturdy oak to throw a rope over and hang myself. Just kidding.