I Hate Weather

Well our guests from the south, Staten Island, are coming today and guess what! The weather is going to be hot and humid with lots of thunder showers. What, do we live in Florida? This has been the worst summer I can remember since I moved to Maine, by the way to get away from the hot and humid summers in New Jersey. Our real estate guy, who is a very nice guy, who sold us the house said " You don't need air conditioning in Maine". I think what I should do is every time it is hot and humid I am going over to house, which probably has air conditioning, and spend a couple of days till the weather is more to my liking. The last time I talked to the people who were coming to visit, I told them that it is usually a little warm in the day time, but at night usually the temperature dip down into the 50's. Well now I am a big fat liar. I just hope they like it hot and humid. Maybe I'll take them out to the beach for a swim in the 60 degree water. That should cool them down a bit.

Excuse me while I pray a little: Oh Jebus please make the weather more to my liking maybe low 80's during the days and middle 50's at night. Also can I have a new car and can I hit the lottory and become a multi millionaire and be able to buy many air conditioner and also can you make my hair grow back and can you make it so that I can buy a TJ Maxx for my wife.
Thanks a lot

Mining Nose Gold

Have you ever , while picking your nose, shove your finger so far up into your head that you lose consciousness. Well I haven't and I hope you have not as well. But here is a clip of a nose picker on TV.

A Cast of Characters

The first place that we lived in when my wife and I were first married was a apartment in Linden N.J. It was a great place with two large bedrooms and a large dinning and living room. The rent was reasonable for what you got. One of best things about this apartment complex was the cast of characters that lived there. The land lady name was Freida Braun and her boy friends name was Fritz. She was a nice lady who really took care of her property and was on top of everything that was happening in the apt. I use to call her Eva Braun, who was Hitlers girl friend, and my wife use to say that one day I was going to call her Eva to her face. It never happened. There was a nice couple who lived above us who, it sounded to us, that they were bowling in their living room. But the person that I use to love to talk too the most was Artie, who was Freida's brother who was a tad off. Artie would get around town on a old Schwinn bike with a very large basket on the front. Artie was always in a hurry to get somewhere. But the best was when you stopped and talked to him. He would talk a mile a minute and you could only understand ever other word. But you know what, I hung in there and listen to everything he had to say. But the real charm of Artie was that, in winter, he would have this single drop of what I will describe as nasal liquid hanging from the end of his nose. And while Artie was espousing some long diatribe about I don't know what, I could only concentrate on that single drop on the end of his nose.

One Bathroom

I will be very busy this week because we are getting company this Thursday. So there is not too much to do, let see. Clean the whole house so our guests will not think we have homeless people living with us. Wash three vehicles. Again not wanting our guests too think the homeless people are also using our vehicles as bedrooms. But the one project that will be on the top of the list is to get the one bathroom that has been torn apart for about a month and a half to the point my wife and I can use it. It would be really uncomfortable to have 6 people using the same bathroom for 4 days. And trying to get either the tile guy or the plumber here to finish the bathroom in 3 days is like traveling to Mars. So I will have to put my thinking cap on and see what I can rig up so that my wife and I can use the demolished bath room. I think a couple of buckets and taking a birdbath in the kitchen sink. My wife is not on board with those ideas. She just keep saying make it happen make it happen. So I guess I will make it happen. I wonder what she would think about using the woods around our house. You know,I won't suggest that just yet.

Wisdom

One inevitability in ones life is death. And yes you can count on it. It will always be there for you and it will never disappoint you. Like I said you can count on it. And maybe the message in this motivational poster is something you should think about as well. Because like death you will never be as cool as a bull riding monkey. You can bet on it. So all you people who think you are so cool, stop it. Word of wisdom from your pal.

Drawing a Blank

I am having a hard time lately coming up with new posts to amuse and inform all 34 people who visit this blog every day. So today I am going to use a tactic that I am borrowing from a blog that I go every day, Jeremy's Sametime Status , to try and jump start myself out of this writers malaise. I am going to talk to myself.

You know I am running out of ideas for this blog.

Yea.

Well do you have any idea's to help me?

No.

That's it?

Yep.



Well that didn't work so here is a clip of stupid stuff.

Fun and Games

Two websites that keep me amused for hours are as follows.

A Game.

For Fun.

Caribou Maine a Trip to Hell

Yesterday I had a job to take a gray truck to Caribou Maine to swap it for a black truck. I have never been to Caribou and was looking forward to the trip. The direction say you drive 330 miles and when you run out of gas you let it coast till it stops and then you push it the rest of the way. It is a very long trip is what I am trying to say.



Well when I started off I was really excited about the trip. I had a new truck and it had satellite radio, a favorite option on mine, and a good air conditioner. But within the first half hour it started to go bad. I stopped in this convenience store to get something for breakfast, finding nothing I noticed that there was a Subway attached to the convenience store. I checked the menu and found a chicken sub with a onion sauce, and ordered it. Back in the truck and on my way I opened the sandwich and took my first bite. It was very good but the filling landed in my lap. OK now I look like a homeless guy that has not changed in a month. So I traveled a little further and found another store to buy something to clean myself up a little. I head for the bathroom and grab a wet paper towel to try to get the stains off of my shorts and shirt, bad idea. Now it looks like I urinated in my paints. So I pull my shirt down as far as it will go and now it looks like I am not wearing any pants. I purchase a bottle of seltzer to try to clean up the food spots and take it back to the truck. Of course when I opened the seltzer it goes all over the place and now I look like I just had a hell of a workout in spin class. I head out now and was cruising along the Maine turnpike at a crisp pace when I noticed that there was a state trooper with his lights on right in back of me. So I pull over and wait for the trooper. Licence and registration please. After writing me a ticket for going 79 in a 65 mph zone he says to me that I should be careful about my speed because there are moose that are crossing the road in the daytime and that I wouldn't want to hit of of those. And what I should have said to him was why he stopped me instead of the other hundreds of drivers that were doing either the same speed as I was or 20 mph more than your pal. That's what I should have said but instead I said "thank you have a nice day".



On my way again looking like I smeared a sandwich on myself and 137.00 dollars lighter in the wallet, and cursing like a madman. When I got about 10 miles a way from my destination the direction said that I should make a left on route 203 and the dealer would be 2 and a half miles on the left. Well no dealer on the left and after driving for about 8 miles not believing the directions saying 2 and a half miles I pulled over to check the map. I see that I am on the right road but I had turned onto the wrong end of route 203. Decision, turn around or continue on, I turned around and finally made my way to the dealership and made the swap.



The trip back was uneventful with me staying away from any kind of food products and staying at 65 miles per hour the whole way. And I did not see any dam moose.

Mary the Exercise Animal

Tonight Mary, Dede and your pal had to partake in our own spin class. We were unsupervised because Evil had abandoned us for a stupid vacation with her family. I hope she is happy that we are all just floundering around and with the possibility that someone could get seriously hurt and most likely it will be me. But let me go on. Mary led the small group tonight and really tried to make us all have heart attacks. She has this need to go to the extreme in exercising. She is possessed. If I would have said to her tonight that after the workout let go run a marathon she would have said "OK". Well anyway tonight was a good workout . And what I liked the most was, that Dede's bike keep squeaking to the beat of the music. Someone please help me.

Here is William Shatner's version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds one of my favorite covers of this Beatle song.

Driving and Sweating in New Jersey

I took a trip back to New Jersey last weekend. This was the second time in a week that we were in N.J.. I just want to say that driving over 800 miles in a week is not my idea of fun. It was great to see all the people that we care very much about, but that drive is a killer. And the closer and closer you get to the metropolitan area the more the crazy drivers come out. There were many fingers given and many angry looks. I on the other hand was a cool and calm driver that made no mistakes along the way.

The reason for trip this time was a picnic for my 2 nieces who had graduated this year. The picnic was great because there were lots of people there who I had not see in a while, so that was great. The one downside was that it was over 100%. It was so hot that farmers were feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. It was so hot that the trees were whistling for the dogs. Get the picture. Other then the heat it was a great time with good people, good food and good beer. My one of my tasks at the picnic was to try to talk all of my family and friends into moving to Maine. It remains to be seen if that worked.

OK To Smoke say Doctors

This ad is from the late 40's or early 50's. And it is ads like this that influenced many people to start smoking. Here is some information on smoking.

Deaths from Smoking: 440,000 annual deaths each year are smoking-associated (CDC)

Death rate extrapolations for USA for Smoking: 440,000 per year, 36,666 per month, 8,461 per week, 1,205 per day, 50 per hour, 0 per minute, 0 per second.

Average life years lost from Smoking: 12 years (NIA)

Death statistics for Smoking: The following are statistics from various sources about deaths and Smoking:
Death rate is 2-3 times higher than non-smokers
Estimated to cause 10 million deaths per year worldwide by 2020 (WHO Web Site)
1.2 million deaths in Europe (The European Heart Network)
45,000 African American deaths each year in America (CBCF Health Organisation, 2004)
1.2 million deaths from smoking in Europe (The European Heart Network, 2000)
400,000 deaths annually in the US (Mayo Clinic)

Spel Cheik

This is dedikated two Mr Snootles.

Spel chek is one my favorate proogram on the compotor. I use this constantlee wen I am riting. I maybe the woorst speler in the world. Sow I nied this little helper aloot. Two give u a ecsampl, while I was in the cekcent grade, I was a contestent in a speling b and was elimbianated befor the frst round, for speling my name inkorectlee. So spel cheik is a boom to my oun pursonail mancind. Sow kep up the good worc spel cheik, I luv ye.

My Spin Instructor Is Trying to Kill Me

This is all about my Monday morning spin class. The instructor, lets call her Amy(that's not her real name, because if I used her real name and she found out it would be real bad for me and for the others in the class),is a great instructor. She makes the class so interesting with her music and spin routines. And she is a real motivator. She keeps on pushing us to get better and to really put our hearts and bodies into her routines. She yells at us all the time "COME ON YOU M F'en SLACKERS" don't make me get of this bike! And when she does get off her bike and singles you out, watch out. She'll give you a good pink belly. But she does this because she cares. One other time she took all the seats off the bikes for the full class so there was some real pain involved when you got exhausted. But that taught us the proper position. And for me really it was only one visit to the proctologist. No harm done. The best part of spin class for me is the standing surge. Now with Amy, you had better keep up with her or, she'll bring out Mister cattle prod, she calls it Stingy, to help motivate you. And you know what, the two burn holes go away in a couple of days. And it really does give you the push that as she says you need to better yourself. Oh I almost forgot,she has us call her Master for some reason. And if you don't refer to her as Master she gets really mad. I'm just thinking about our next class. Amy said we need more motivation so she is hooking up some sort of wires up to our bike seat. She said we will pick up about another 15 mph on our speed. Oh boy I can't wait.

Definition

Pornography a noun meaning a creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire. But is that what it really means. Lets break in down POR is when you don't have any money. NOG is of course is a part of the drink that you have at the Christmas holiday that is combined with egg. GRAP is a language for typesetting graphs specified and first implemented by Brian Kernighan and Jon Bentley at Bell Labs. It is an expressive language for describing graphs and incorporating them in typeset documents. It is implemented as a preprocessor to Kernigan's pic language for describing languages, so any system that can use pic can use grap. And last but not least is HY is a Japanese band formed in year 2000 with five high school friends in Okinawa. So what is the real meaning of pornography you ask. It is a poor Japanese band who likes eggnog and sings songs about graphs and type settings. Is that perfectly clear.

Once again your pal will be away for a couple of days, but don't you fret because you will be getting the best of Willie's World

JibJab Video

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Lard Try it Today

That's right you to can be happy with just few mouthfuls of Lard a day. And what about the kids? Well I want to tell you the kids will just love that creamy white consistency. Why they will soon be ditching their ice cream for the cool neutral taste of Lard. Spread it on bread or a cracker it's so spreadable. And with that cool white greasy look the kids will all be saying " Mom can I have another cup of Lard, please". Mom and dad will love it as well. Mom can rub a big handful of lard after a bath for that smooth touchable skin. And dad will love to lube that brand new SUV in the garage with the versatile fat product. It's the perfect fat product for the whole family. Lard, I wish I had a big mouthful right now.

This ad is brought to you by the Lard Information Council

"Lard a big greasy glob of heaven ".

A Little Stressed Out

When Evil started to get ready for today class at one point I thought that she was going to fall to the ground and curl up into the fetal position. Things have been off a half bubble off plum for her. This morning she got out early from her house to come to class. She plugged her Ipod into the outlet in her car too charge and fries the thing. Now she heads back into the house to makeup a new routine for us and she got a little behind schedule. Then while she is setting up for class she discovers that her microphone keeps clicking on and off, we all feel relieved that she does not carry a gun. Then to top things off during the routine she discovers she has the wrong notes for the ride. Holy crap she was stressed out. But the class went off without a problem. A good ride and good music as usual. Everyone was sweating like Peter Cook in court listening to Christie Brinkley's testimony. I'm sure I will be able to talk to Evil and chill her right out with my soothing patter.

In attendance were Mary, trying every bike in the place and also robbing parts off of other bikes for her own use, Dede who is way too happy, Heidi, who is way to busy, Dollie who put on a sweater during the last 15 minutes of the ride, Jim who is in a daze from way to many grandchildren, Richard, who is still single, and I think his daughter, also the older fit couple, and a couple of interlopers.

The picture is Evil after she discovered that the microphone problem was caused by someone leaving another microphone on in class.

This is for Evil to relax her.

The Driving Game

Driving around the metropolitan area the last few days have been a wonderful flash back to my life before I moved to Maine. Packed roads, many traffic jams, oh how I missed those, it really connects you to the people around you on the road. And they are saving a lot of energy by not using their signals as much. Plus many drivers are using hand signals, pointing up with their middle finger to say" hey your doing good job" and what they are feeling about my driving prowess. That was a unexpected pleasure. And this wonderful game they play when you are forced to go from 3 lanes of traffic into one, because of the wonderful construction on every road. They make you think that they won't let you feed into the other lanes. You have to stick your fender into their lane and see which one will give in. And when I win I give them a wave, and the other driver beeps his horn and points up to signify that I have won this game. It a lot of fun. And their is this other game that is played is when the person in front of you in the left hand lane is going a little slower than you, and you want to pass. When you pull to the right to get around them they speed up and not let you in. It's a real blast. I had so much fun driving that I just wanted to, well, scream.

Best Of Willie's World

I had seen this advertisement in the Nation magazine and just ran with it.



There is a epidemic sweeping across the land, and this is a warning. Thousands of unsuspecting people have purchased the Memoflex Gel Comfort Seat and are so comfortable that they now refusing to ever stand again. That's right you heard me right refusing to ever stand again. There is a report of a couple in So Bend Ind. that has had their legs amputated because of this so called seating euphoria.Many of the users leg are now atrophied and it is growing problem. Mrs.Betty Higinbottom said " I tyred the Memoflex for the first time in 1998 and I have not stood up since ." Mr. Cletis Snodgrass said" It is so comfortable that I am putting it in my coffin, with a product like this you don't mind dieing". All I can say is watch were you put your behind, you could be sitting in HELL.

Best Of Willie's World

This one of my few rants about poeple who ride bikes on the road.


I ride a bike. It is not a racer type bike, it is called a hybrid. It is neither racer type or a mountain bike. It is a combination of both. The reason I ride this type is the riding position. With the racer type my hands started to go numb, from leaning on the handlebars.
Well any who, as I ride around the mid coast of Maine I pass many people on bikes and because I am such a friendly guy, I wave at my fellow bikers. And I will get back a few waves, but not from the people on those race bikes that are dressed like the are in the Tour de France. These tight shirt warring reveling pantaloons people are just too snobby to wave at a casually dressed rider. Well maybe it is the fact that their hands are all numb and they can't physically wave. Or is it that they want nothing to do with my floppy shirt or my properly fitting pants. Maybe the tight pants are pressing on their genitals and some how this causes their waving hand to be non-operative. I just don't know. Loosen up those pants and be a little more friendlier,wave and say howdy do.

What's Behind the Cloud

Have you seen those pictures with cloudy area over certain areas of the body suggesting that they are hiding something really repulsive. Well here is an example of that type of photo.

The before photo which could be taken as salacious and something that should not be seen by small children and some adults.

And after photo which reveled your worst nightmares. A dickhead.



I will be away till Monday so I will be posting the best of for you all to enjoy.
Your Pal

Idiot Test

Are you a friggin idiot? Find out and take the idiot test here.

Let me know how you did, if you dare.

Evil, We Hardly Knew Ye

I'll always have fond memorizes of Evil on Tuesday night. It was a workout that I really look forward too, a tough and strenuous . But we'll not have it this summer as Evil is stepping away from her obligation to us and taking care of her own family. How cruel is that! She see her family every day and we see her just one night a week on Tuesday. My fix would be to bring all the kids to the Y on Tuesday and lock them in the car, crack the window of course. I wonder if she had thought of that, hummmm I wonder. Well any way we will miss her gentle scream ands sweating face.

Well the last Tuesday work out was a simulated race that was a killer. My heart rate was way up there during the whole ride. I was sweating like Sean Hannity on a polygraph machine. I was going to say sweating like a pig but Jim informed me that pigs don't sweat. There was a small glitch however with Evils DVD getting stuck, but your Pal, as usual , came to the rescue and saved the night.

After the workout we had all decided to go out and have some food and drink at a local restaurant on the harbor. It was really nice to see everybody not sweating and red faced for once. Good food and drink filled the evening and good stories about how we really feel about the other people who do the class and were not at the table. Your Pal of course was the only civil person at the table and said nothing about anybody. You didn't want to be the first person to leave that table with this group , you would have been the new A-hole. Just kidding ,maybe. But it was a great night with good people and a lot of fun. The attendees were Mary, Heidi, Dede, Evil (AKA Amy), Jim and your Pal.

July 7,2008 Spin class

Mondays spin class went like this: Evil late-Mary searching for the right bike-someones got a boyfriend-Evil's Ipod not working-has too use DVD-Mary, Dede,Heidi,
Michelle, Naomi x interloper-the older couple that are in really good shape-your Pal-good music-early rock and or roll-lots of sweat-drink-stretch-clean up-go home-nap.

Bozo Bites the Weenie

Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that delighted children for more than a half-century, died Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83.
Although not the original Bozo, Harmon portrayed the popular clown in countless appearances and, as an entrepreneur, he licensed the character to others, particularly dozens of television stations around the country. The stations in turn hired actors to be their local Bozos.

A special coffin was constructed for Bozo as the giant orange shoes made closing the top of the coffin difficult. And when they did manage to close the coffin it omitted this sustaining high pitched sound which was discovered to be Bozos beeping nose. A small adjustment was made and relatives and friends made their way to the burial site. Bozo the Clown was buried in a very small car along with 15 other clowns. It was a beautiful and moving end to a funny man's life.

Apple Pie 15 Cents Per Cut

This is a menu from F.W. Woolworths, or as we use to call it Woolworths, which was a deptment store that was around when I was just a wee lad. It was sort of a 5 and 10 cent store that also had a counter that you could get food at. In my youth I ate many time at Woolworths and you can tell by the menu that the prices were just right. I think we need a Woolworths today and with those same prices.

A Good Day

What a great 4th I had yesterday, with parades and then a great picnic afterwards. The parade was held in Thomaston Maine and it was a good one as usual. With lots of area fire equipment and lots of local organization taking part. Missing from this year from the parade this year was the ever scary local militia and the crucified guy draped in the bloody cloth float that is always a big hit.



There was one glitch this year with the parade and it was a complaint I had the last time we had gone to the parade in Thomaston, and it is the spacing of the parade participants. But this year it was really apparent as there was such a long space between the Lincolnville Band and the evil Republicans that half of the people at the parade went home thinking that the parade was over. I'm going to have to talk to someone about the problem before next year.




And I want to give a big shout out to my bud Josh ,who was with his politician father in the parade, ignored my frantic waving and whistling to get his attention. Oh well, I'll have to talk to the boy and straighten this out.



After the parade we all headed out to my friends home in Spruce Head Maine for a picnic. My friends son and his wife are up from New Jersey so that made it a little more special. Everything was great the weather was just perfect good conversation, lots of laughs and good food. A couple of small problem like no hamburgers just hot dogs and no onions for crap sake. Well I don't want to get started on that. I'll just say that it was truly a great day spent with people that I really care about.

Cool in School

Were you as cool as I was in high school? Go here and find out.

Next to Last

This was Evils next to last Tuesday night class, till the fall, and it was a whopper.And I don't mean a Burger King sandwich. She ran the whole class as if it was a race, a tough race as well. It was 45 minutes of pain but a fun pain, like getting kicked in the nuts, that kind of fun pain. The class was really small as it was Mary, Dede back from a drunken night at a Pearl Jam concert, a interloper who showed up late and of course your pal. Great music and a great work out, I was sweating like a cub scout at neverland the whole ride. Next Tuesday is the last ride for the summer so I am sure Evil is going to try to kill us all, I am convinced of it.

Here is one of Evil's favorite race tunes, Allegretto from Bond.

A Literal Bible Hymn

Lord lets keep ye women silent and submissive in church ..............1 Corinthians 14:34

And make them have long hair as they need to be covered if you research Corinthians 11:13-15

And Lord check to see if she is a virgin and if not.............Deuteronomy 22:13,14

Let's stone her to death in front of her fathers house lot.............Deuteronomy 22:20,21

And if you sin with your hands cut them off...............Mark 9:43

Because is better to be limbless and give it any thought

And if you are born to a unwed mother

you can't come to church to find another...............Deuteronomy 23:2

And its OK to have slaves and they must obey

Because that's what the lord say that's it OK.......Ephesians 6:5..Colossians 3:22..Titus 2:9

And let's not wear cloths made with two different materials......Leviticus 19:19

Because you will be in a article of a fashion hell serial

Let not two men sleep together ......Leviticus 20:13

or they should have their throats cut in fair weather

Hold thy shrimp and lobster from your table.......Leviticus 11:12

It is an abomination of the lord that you are unstable

Shave and a haircut two bits

Amen

*This a terrible hymn and I am sorry for being the worst rhymer since Vanilla Ice. And I know that's not nice but I won't try twice because I'll not roll the dice because I don't want to pay the price so that should suffice .