Granpa Simpson

Granda Simpson Quotes:


Grampa: In 1957 I saw him turn turn the Secretary of Agriculture into the Secretary of the Interior. It was hell on their wives, but it sure brought down corn prices. Built a house out of corn. It was the worst home I ever owed? when it got really hot it smelled like Frito's


Grampa: I'll take that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical school dissecting table or wherever you're dumping me.



Grandpa: That's how I got my idea for a suitcase with wheels: from a commercial for a suitcase with wheels.



Grandpa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

Grampa's rambling stories

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you'd say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say “dickety” because the Kaiser had stolen our word “twenty”. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. (the children laugh) What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet...