Unfair and Unbalanced.......Fox News

I have been monitoring Fox News for years now and it is making me crazy. This is a few of things I have learned in the past year on Fox.
That Mexican gays are sneaking into our country and unplugging our brain dead women.
That the Clinton's were the real cause of the Titanic sinking.
That the Clinton's were behind the assignation of Arc Duke Ferdinand.
The Clinton's and the Democratic party financed the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.
That liberals and the Clinton's were the real cause behind the stock market crash in 1927.
That it wasn't Miss's O'Leary's cow that kicked over that lantern that started the Chicago fire, it was the Clinton's.
That the liberals bought the gun that Lee Harvey Oswald used that day in Dallas.
That the liberals brainwashed Alberto Gonzales so that he can not remember anything, of course with orders from the Clinton's.
That Larry Craig was slipped a drink laced with a concoction to turn him into a homosexual by the Democratic party.
That Duke Cunningham, Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay, Steve Griles, Rick Renzi, Mark Foley, Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, Dusty Foggo, Bernard Kerik,
Randal Tobias, Lester Crawford, David Vitter, Larry Craig were hypnotized by the Democrats and of course the Clinton's into being the poster boys for bad behavior.
And finally that, on orders from the liberals and the Clinton's' if the Dem's win this next election, it will be mandatory that everyone has to be gay, have a abortion, surrender to terrorist, become atheist, let criminals and child predators run free, and of course all family values will be discouraged.
Man-o-Manischewitz what a country that will be.

Larry Craig.......On Late Night TV

Spel Cheik

Spel chek is one my favorate proogram on the compotor. I use this constantlee wen I am riting. I maybe the woorst speler in the world. Sow I nied this little helper aloot. Two give u a ecsampl, while I was in the cekcent grade, I was a contestent in a speling b and was elimbianated befor the frst round, for speling my name inkorectlee. So spel cheik is a boom to my oun pursonail mancind. Sow kep up the good worc spel cheik, I luv ye.

Is This Guy A Dick or What

Let me Explain

Republican Senator Larry Craig arrested. Roll Call described the incident. According to the incident report, Sgt. Dave Karsnia was working as a plainclothes officer on June 11 investigating civilian complaints regarding sexual activity in the men’s public restroom in which Craig was arrested.

Airport police previously had made numerous arrests in the men’s restroom of the Northstar Crossing in the Lindbergh Terminal in connection with sexual activity.

Karsnia entered the bathroom at noon that day and about 13 minutes after taking a seat in a stall, he stated he could see “an older white male with grey hair standing outside my stall.”

The man, who lingered in front of the stall for two minutes, was later identified as Craig. ("I was looking to see if it was occupied OK')“I could see Craig look through the crack in the door from his position. Craig would look down at his hands, ‘fidget’ with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again. Craig would repeat this cycle for about two minutes,” the report states.(" I really had to go and I wanted that particular stall, it's my favorite")
Craig then entered the stall next to Karsnia’s and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door.

“My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall,” Karsnia stated in his report.( "I need my bag in front so I can put my feet up, I've got this problem you see"). “From my seated position, I could observe the shoes and ankles of Craig seated to the left of me.”

Craig was wearing dress pants with black dress shoes.

“At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot.(" I was trying out a new tap routine" )I moved my foot up and down slowly. While this was occurring, the male in the stall to my right was still present. I could hear several unknown persons in the restroom that appeared to use the restroom for its intended use. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot("It was just the finale of my tap routine were I do a split") which was within my stall area,” the report states.

Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times,(" I was just trying to be neighborly, to say Howdy Do") and Karsnia noted in his report that “I could ... see Craig had a gold ring on his ring finger as his hand was on my side of the stall divider.”

Karsnia then held his police identification down by the floor so that Craig could see it.

“With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit. Craig responded, ‘No!("I still had to go") I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet. ... Craig said he would not go.("I was just saying I had already gone, look in the bowl") I told Craig that he was under arrest, he had to go, and that I did not want to make a scene. Craig then left the restroom.”

Adios Alberto

Alberto Gonzales, good bye funny man, we hardly knew ye. I will miss his intelligent and well thought out answers to government committee questions, like "I don't remember" or my one of my favorites, I don't recall, or his classic " I was thinking about my hair gel and wasn't listening",or his famous bilingual"No comprendo".Adios amigo.

Toe Problems

Why, when I put on my exercise shorts, 9 time out of ten I catch my toe in the loop for tightening the waist. Am I being punished for some forgotten transgressions in previous life or what! Isn't life difficult enough without these added gym short problems. Why do you mock me God.

Pictures of War

I just read a comment about the real pictures of war. The person who wrote the comment said that he and his family had just vacationed on one of the islands in the Caribbean. While watching the news he noted that if there was an accident with fatalities they would show graphic pictures of the scene, with all of the blood and guts included. This was done to show the consequence's of driving drunk, or speeding or not wearing a seat belt. He wondered if our news here was showing the consequences of war in graphic details, dead and wounded soldiers and dead and wounded civilian men,women and small children, on the news every night do you think the people would feel a little different about sending their sons and daughters off to fight this terrible mismanaged, unnecessary Iraq war. I don't think so.

AirLine Seats

I was wondering about those comfortable air line seats and the people, especially the people in the seat directly in front of me, who recline. Now I will not recline if there is someone behind me. Why you ask. Because I know how uncomfortable it is to have your hip joints dislocated. Why would someone believe that they are reaching the height of relaxation by reclining their seat back 1 inch. Oh 45 degrees is so uncomfortable, but 45 1/2 degrees is heaven. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

When Spin Class Goes Wild

http://wcbstv.com/seenat11/local_story_236001252.html

So you think spin class is easy.

Legs on Fire

The instructors that teach spin class all have a catch phrase. They use this, to express, a feeling you should be experiencing while exercising. One instructor just screams "come on" and the other tells us to " pull your navel into our spine". But the one that really hits the nail on the head is "LEGS on FIRE". When she is saying, during a hard run, legs on fire I feel that my legs are actually on fire. And my proof that this suggestion is working is, just the other day as I was leaving class and about to get into my car,I felt a little strange and when I looked down at my legs they were actually on fire. Well I wanna tell you I was in a panic. I started to roll around on the ground till the fire was extinguished. Now I'm kind of a shy guy, but when your legs are engulfed in flames there is no place to hide. It does call attention to you. What I think I am going to do is suggest to the instructor that she modify the phrase from "legs on fire" to "legs are very warm". I think that will cut down the chance of another leg fire for everybody. One good thing to come out of my leg fire is that there is no hair left on my legs, and I am getting a lot of compliments.

If a cow ever got a chance .............

A public service announcement from Troy McClure.

Mutant Giraffe at Our Borders

This is a very strange story of a mutant giraffe and the problems of crossing over the border from Canada. Now the problems didn't arise because a giraffe can't drive or even that he could even get a licence, or that someone would even give him a permit to learn how to drive. It's that he has stuffed in his truck a sawed off shot gun hidden in a box of stuffed animals. Yes it true a big goofy mutant giraffe concealing a sawed off shotgun, 12 gauge I believe, also, he had other mutant giraffe's in his truck but they knew nothing of the shotgun. As they moved closer to the border crossing he started to sweat, and it became harder and harder to swallow. And being a giraffe it is very hard, considering the length of his neck. As the guard came up to the truck, and asked him to roll down the window. He could hardly get the window down, as he was nervous, and he was a giraffe not use to rolling down windows. My next truck I'm getting automatic windows he thought.
" Have you got any fruits, vegetables or plants in this vehicle?" the guard said.
"No sir" the giraffe replied.
So the border guard started to walk around the truck, and spotted the box full of stuffed animals.
What's that? aay?" he said.
"Just a box of stuffed animals' the giraffe said.
"Lets have a look see aay" the guard said.
So the giraffe unhooks his seat belt , giraffes are very safety minded, and climbs out of the truck. He had such a hard time holding the keys, nervousness and the giraffe thing again. As he tryed to open the back of the truck the key wouldn't fit. As much as he tryed it wouldn't open. The guard tryed but it wouldn't work for him either. While this was going on traffic was building up behind this truck. The guard, started to get a little up tight about the traffic, finally saying to the giraffe
"OK get out of here !"
So with sigh of relief, the giraffe jumped back in the truck, and was about to drive off, when the guard approached the window again and said
"Your not from around here are you?"
"No I'm from Detroit" the giraffe said.
"I also noticed that you have a monkeys head" the guard said.
"We'll I am a mutant" the giraffe said with a big smile on his monkey face.
They all had a good laugh and promised that they would write. As the giraffe pulled away all he could think about is why he would cross the border with a sawed off shotgun hidden in a box of stuffed toys. But as often happens, that thought left his brain in a millisecond, as thoughts often due for a mutant giraffe. As the group drove towards Detroit they all had a good laugh.
"Can you believe that guard saying that I had just a monkey head.
"Yea, jokes on him it's a prehensile monkey head." They all laughed till there giraffe stomachs hurt. Mutant giraffe, you see, don't have the best sense of humor.

This clip has one of my favorte Homer Simpson rants in it.

Rootie Kazootie

This is one of the programs that I watched as a kid. It made me what I am today.

Pull Your Navel to Your Spine

First let me say that I love to take spin class. I think,for me, it really works. I can get from 45 to 50 min. of intense exercise,and for the rest of the day I can gorge myself like the Romans in the times of Julius Ceasar, but without the vomitoriam. Also I really like the instructors and the people that take the class. One of the buzz words that the instructors constantly say is "press your navel to your spine". This is to reinforce the proper position for the ride. So being the joke- miester-general that I am, plus a photoshop class graduate, I decided to do a picture of my back with a navel. While I am making this masterpiece I am laughing my ass off. This is going to be so funny the class will just go crazy with laughter. They will be laughing so hard and so long that I will eventually have to tell them my dog was just hit by a car to stop them from laughing. Now this picture took me days to get it to look just right. Ha ha ho ho ho. Sorry it just makes me laugh when I look at it. So the big day came, and I walked into class grinning from ear to ear. I gatherd everyone around and made my presentation. Well you would have thought that I showed them a rotting corpse. They were disgusted, retching and making the puke sounds. I had to stop one women from gouging out her eyes. Someone asked if it was a bullet hole. Some fun huh. Now nobody will make eye contact with me.

Fox News

This is the Simpsons take on Fox news, I should't use the word news, I should use Fox opinion, because that is what it is.

Waiting

First of all let me say that I love my car. So when I found some sort of liquid under it, I took my baby to a new mechanic in the area. He has the car for a few days to find out what is going on. Well, when he calls me back he informed me that all I needed was to have my engine rebuilt and that is going to cost a million dollars. Because this vehicle is my baby I say have at it. He informs me it will take about 3 weeks. So a month and half later I am still waiting. And every time I call him to ask when it will be completed he always say " the end of the week". And when I call him at the end of the week he tells me it will be ready at the end of next week. This is my life now. I am living my own personal Groundhog Day. But that is not the worst of it. Now, because I am spending so much money on this car, my wife feels she needs to spend an equal amount on our house. I think the first improvement, for me anyway, will be a gallows so that I can hang myself. But it won't be ready for 2 months.

We'll miss you Scooter

I grew up with the Scooter as a player and later as a broadcaster. He was a joy to watch and listen to. He was one of the good guys, and he will be missed .

This is my last duck posting. I call this a jar full of quackers.

That's one small step for man , one !#$%^&**&%$ for mankind

This is my first blog so please bear with me. I have a lot to offer. Sometimes I get distracted but I get( oooo there's a bird) right back on track. I enjoy almost any subject( I have to cut my nail soon) matter. So my blog will discuss everything under the ( how many pens do I have in that cup it has to be a million) sun. So what about all these duck jokes . What is that all about. And when ( why is my 2nd toe longer than my big toe) did it start .

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

That joke quacks me up.

Now let's see what (is that mustard of katsup on my shirt) we can come up with on this blog.