McCain's Shocking Money Saving Plan

Sherlock Holmezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Move over Ambien my wife has discovered a new sleep aid, the Sherlock Holmes mysteries on MPBN. It is a wonderful series with Jeremy Brett playing Holmes and David Burke as Dr Watson. Jeremy Brett's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes is perhaps the best filmed version of Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective, showcasing Holmes's dazzling brilliance without ignoring his unnerving intensity or drug dependencies. Dr Watson is also played as a steady companion and not a bumbling fool in the Sherlock Holmes movies of the 40's.

So this is how it plays out at our home as we begin to watch this program. My wife and I will be surfing the channels and finding nothing that we both want to watch. Then she will say " Why don't we watch the Sherlock Holmes stories that we have recorded on our DVR." So we start to watch and within 4 minutes my wife is fast asleep. Now this behaviour does not happen every once in a while. but every time we watch Sherlock Holmes adventures. And after last night I have discovered that it is all of the Sherlock Holmes adventures put her to sleep ,as confirmed by the watching of a Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce's Holmes movie last night . So I am chucking the Ambien and using the much safer Holmes as a sleep aid.

PS My wife has also fallen asleep reading this post.

It's a miracle

First thing this morning I was reading the headlines on my home page when I read, Angela Park 67 gives her the US Women Open lead. This aroused my curiosity, a 67 year old women is leading the women's open, whats up with that. The light bulb went off when I clicked on the story and discovered that it wasn't the age of Angela Park but her score. I'm going back to bed.

Marking Territory

Speaking of dogs, when my wife and I had our only pooch, Barney, I thought I could use walking the dog for some good exercise. So mostly everyday I would take Barney out for a good brisk stroll around town. Well I want to tell you that I didn't even break a sweat. Barney's idea of a walk was to smell every thing in sight and then deposit a sample on it. I think Barney had a frequent urination problem. He probably could have used Ditropan. He would stop every 2 seconds to pee. There was browns spot around ever tree and bush in town. Needless to say the walk did not last that long. One good trait Barney did have was ,that he saved his dumps for our back yard where I got to use my poop shovel and poop stick to retrieve it. When I see people jogging with their dogs I think that could have been me if it wasn't for my pooch with the frequent urination problem or as advertiser puts it FUP.
Here is a cartoon that I found in New Yorker Magazine.

Baracbiohobia

Bad News

Tonight's work out with Evil was tough. Technical problem were anticipated but never occurred. The big new of the night was that Evil will be taking the summer off from running the Tuesday night class. The reason given was that her family needs her blah blah blah blah blah. What about us are we just like a old shoe that can be discarded in the corner of the closet and never put on and it gets all full of green stuff and it starts to stink and you throw it in the garbage and then the garbage starts to stink and you just take it outside so you don't have to smell it any more. That's what we feel like. Any who she will be back in the fall. In attendance tonight was Mary, Heidi, Jim and your pal. Missing was Dede who's mother has come to visit blah blah blah blah. This was a hard workout I was sweating like a dyslexic on countdown' . I'm going to miss Tuesday night workout. I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe I'll just go over to the Y and stare at the workout room or I'll just stay home and eat a whole chocolate cake. Yum.

The Big Race Revisited

I just got finished looking at the pictures of the YMCA harbor View 5K this past Saturday. There are many pictures of Mary, many pictures of Evil who wasn't even running, Evil Jr got the most pictures. Dede and Heidi got a picture all by themselves. And if you want to see a picture of your pal, well grab a magnifying glass and have at it. There some great shots of the top of my head you can pick out in the pictures of the start.

One thing I noticed was that at the start of the race, I stood still for about 10 frames before I even moved, while the front runners were all off and running. It must be the reason that I finished 28 minutes and 23 seconds after the first runner crossed the finish line. Next year I hope that the two broken legs that I had at race time will have healed so I can make a better showing.

Pictures of the race are here.

Carried Away

Yesterday I told my wife that I was going out to cut off a couple of branches on this big pine tree we have on our property. My wife said that she would come out an help. I said she really didn't have to as I would only be a minute or two. Well a couple of hours later I had every saw I own out, fired up the chain saw to cut some logs for the fireplace this winter and dragged 100 lbs of brush in to the woods. We nearly clear cut our property. We just got caught up in the moment. You start to cut off a couple of branches and then you spot a couple of others and before you know it you are left with, not a tree but a very large pole. It is funny how these projects start to take on a life of there own. Oh well, I think the birds will get use to perching sideways.


George Carlin passed away last night of a heart attack. I use to get a real laugh at his take on everything. Here is a clip of one of his routines. Beware if you are offended by certain words don't click on this clip.

The Big Race

Yesterday was the big 5K walk and run at the Rockport YMCA. My spin buds and I were asked to participate in the race. So I personally talked everyone into joining me in the run. It was a beautiful morning for the run. I of course was the first to arrive and made sure that every thing was ready for my crew. We were supposed to all meet at the Y but everyone, but yours truly, was late. Mary, Dede, Heidi and Michelle were all in attendance. As the race started I was thinking that I had better lay back and pick up everyone along the way, that is, if they were in any trouble. So I stayed in the back round and ran a very calculated race. I did not see any of the group after the start. They all took off like bats out of hell. I was so concerned about them that I couldn't put the legs in afterburner stage and fell way behind. When I did finish they were all there waiting for me. I guess I didn't have to worry about them as they all just took off at the start and ran a good race. I don't want to say that I ran a slow race but at the finish line I had to help them take in the timing tables and take down the finish line. Very humiliating.

And real big treat was that Evil was working the race. And if it wasn't for her expert pointing the right direction, well we would have all just run into the bay. Thank god she was there. Also her son Evil Jr. won in his age group. Congratulation to him.

O'Reilly Factor in One Minute...Because That's All We Can Stand

Why Some People Vote Republican

SIGNS

Last night my wife and attended a meeting of our neighborhood association board. The meeting started at 530 pm and was over at 830. The never ending conversation was about signs. We need more signs to stop speeder on our roads, even thought most of the speeders on our roads are people that were at the meeting. Well how many signs are we going to put up 2 or 3 and were are we going to put them up. Then someone wanted to put up a "pick up your trash" sign around the ponds in the area. People have been fishing there and some are leaving trash when they leave. Now in my world if you were not schooled in the art of picking up after yourself a sign is not going to make you more responsible. A good kick in the ass will make that happen. The sign conversation continued. Where would we put the sign? How about on the "use at your own risk" sign that is already there. OK we all voted and we were on to the next problem. Why don't we tear down the wooden sign at the entrance of our development. OK another sign problem. We all agree to lose the sign. Now what sign will we put up in its place? Golly gee I just don't know. Well now we have a 3 person committee to come up with a new sign.

Sign, sign everywhere a sign Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind Do this don't do that can't you read the sign?

I suggested that we put up a sign saying" NO SIGNS". I of course was humiliated by my neighbors and thrown out of the meeting.

If I Played the Open

Tiger Woods has just won the US open at Torrey Pines Golf Course in San Diego California. As I was watching the match I was wondering how I would play on this course and what the announcers would comment on my game.

OK on the first tee ready to tee off is Uncle Willie who is playing his first US Open. And we can not figure out how or why he ever got to play in this tournament. Well any way he tees the ball up and takes a couple of practice swings and steps up to the ball. The crowd grows quite as Uncle Willie gets ready to swing. He brings the club back and let go with a mighty swing. Oh my god he has just pulled the ball directly left into the crowd. I don't know how many people are on the ground injured. Oh the humanity. The medical staff is attending to the injured, as Uncle Willie is looking for the a ruling on the unplayable ball that has been lodged in one of the spectators forehead. The marshals has told him to drop it two club lengths away from the injured bystander. Uncle Willie drops the ball and gets ready to hit his second shot. It looks like a 3 wood as he addresses the ball for his second shot at the par four 448 yard first hole. He asked the marshals to cover the mouth of the injured spectator because the screeming is interfering with his concentration. The back swing and the follow thru and that is the biggest slice I have ever seen here at the open. That's got to be out there at least 200 yards onto the 5th fairway. I have to say it again that it was some slice.
We are now on the 5th hole and all of the spectators between Uncle Willies ball and the first green will have to be moved. Uncle Willie is set up for his 3rd shot. There is the swing and he has hit a worm burner about 40 feet. You don't see that out here too many times.
He is now hitting his fifth shot if he drops this in the hole, which will be virtually imposable, he will have a bogey. He take a swing and its a beautiful shot heading towards the green, oh no he has hit a tree and the ball has ricocheted back at him and passes him by 20 yards. God this guy stinks
. And right now the officials are escorting him off the course, thank goodness. We are all safe again.
I think it would be a ratings giant.

Evil the Skunk Legged Woman

Well Evil is back from the Trek Across Maine, she made it. But today she started to develop these strange markings on her legs, which were brought out by the black lights she uses in class. There were 2 circles around her thighs. If this is a byproduct from the trek you can count me out of that one. Any who the class was very strenuous and it was a good work out, I was sweating like a fat man in a cake shop. The only annoying thing was this buzz coming from somewhere, either it was the sound system or evils microphone or it could have been some kind of sound emitting from those circles around Evils legs. The spinners were Mary who showed up a little late, Dede who was a tad late, Heidi who was just a little late, she was talking to a friend, how strange, Heidi talking, Jim who asked to extend the workout 7 minutes more,thanks Jim, Wendy who did not stretch after the class, and 3 interlopers, a couple and a younger fellow who was peddling to his own routine. I don't get that why pay the four bucks and not do the routine. That's crazy city. Oh well a good work as alway.

A Special Day

With Fathers Day yesterday lets not forget a little know day of celebration, Distance Cousin's day. Oh, you haven't seen those Hallmark cards in the stores, well look closer. Why not celebrate those distant relatives who you always hear about in your youth. That cousin Howard who use to keep his finger up his nose 24 7. Or Liza who raised eyebrows by being caught nude in the supermarket meat locker. Yes let's remember those people on this special day who's stories we will never forget. Happy Distance Cousins Day everyone.

Fathers Day

Today is fathers day and today we will be honoring our fathers. My dad lives in Florida, the land of the slow moving people. I usually call him about once a month to see how he is doing. And the conversation is usually a repeat of the last call.
Hey Dad, how are you doing?

Aaaaah, getting old.

How are you feeling?

I have no pep. (He is 86 years old.)

Well what are you doing?

Not much.

Are you getting out and walking?

When I feel like it.

What else are you up to?

Not much.

Are you going out to the Inn (The Deltona Inn) for dinner?

A couple of times last week. Those waitresses are so beautiful and they just treat me like a king.

That's nice. How is Bud? (It is his friend that lives up the street from him.)
He's a pain in the ass. He is so set in his ways, you can't do anything with him any more.

How's the weather?

It's just perfect. 95 degrees with 100% humidity.

Dad, why don't you come up and visit us in Maine?( He has never been to our home.)

Yea right, I don't think I could take the cold. (I think he thinks we live near the arctic circle.)

Well you are always welcome.

OK. I have to go. Thanks for calling. Love you.

Love you too dad.

I miss my dad and wish we could see each other more ,but he is living his life and I am living mine. That's a life. Happy Fathers dad.

Sorry

Japanese internment camp closed finally. Camp slipped thru the cracks. Is this crazy or what?

Out for a Nice Ride

Last night we , my wife and I, decided to get a pizza for supper. So I call and put in the order. I will pick it up, so I decided to take my baby the Porsche on this trip. It was a beautiful night and I hadn't taken it out in a while so I jumped in and off I went to pick up the pizza. I was just cruising along at a moderate pace most of the way. As I was turning on to the highway I am saying to myself "self lets get on this baby and have some fun. Mash on the accelerator and off we go, first gear 50 mph, shift into second mash the pedal again, go ,backfire, go backfire. Something is very wrong with this car. I make it to the restaurant, Elm Street Grille ( who has the best pizza in the area) and park the car. I call AAA, they will send someone in 45 minutes to pick the car up and take it to my mechanic. 40 minutes pass the guy comes with the truck to flat bed the car. And as he is loading the car onto the truck every person that passed made a comment about the car on the flat bed. "Nice car, I bet you get good gas mileage on the back of that truck". Ha Ha you are so funny. "Hey you won't put any miles on the car that way". Ha Ha, funny. People are so hilarious, remind me to laugh when I get the bill for this repair.

As I was riding in the truck to my mechanics garage, I keep thinking back when I was younger and the wrecks that I use to buy. Things like this use to happen all the time. In fact it happen so much I knew the tow truck drivers first name, we were old pals. We dropped the car off and headed back home to eat our cold pizza and think about the repair bill we will see in the near future.

Hear and Now

Hear and Now chronicles the life of the film makers, Irene Taylor Brodsky, deaf parents' decision to undergo risky cochlear implant surgery, and following their journey from a comfortable marriage of silence into a new, complex and challenging world of sound. This is a wonderful and compelling story with many happy moments as well as moments of anguish. To me, as I started to watch this film, I thought how wonderful to be able to hear after a life time of deafness. But the problems, with all of a sudden being able to hear every little thing in our noisy world, could be so over whelming. Instead of blocking out all of the ambient noises around us, they were hearing and concentrating on every noise. It is a wonderful story and it it high up on the Uncle Willie too see list. It is being shown on HBO this month.

Just The Right Bike

Last night spin class was a real tough one. But what was even tougher was Mary trying to find the right bike. She must have tried every bike in the workout room. She reminded me of a bee going to each flower looking for some sweet pollen. She finally settled in after the extensive search. The regulars were all there. Dede, Heidi, Jim, Polly, Polly's son, who walked in late and left early. Also in attendance was Evils son, Evil Jr. I was watching him every once in a while last night, and he was working out very hard. He had better work hard because Evil will stick him down in the Evil Lair if he doesn't. Speaking of Evil, the workout was great, no running after class thank god, music was also on the mark. And Evil either was working real hard or she did not want to yell at her son, because she keep the screaming down to a minimum last night. All in all it was a great workout.

PS I am putting together a job description and teaching tool for Mary's employees at Johanson Boatworks. The first entry is recognizing and using a vacuum cleaner.
The picture on the left is a picture of a vacume cleaner. The proper way of using it is:
1 Plug it into a electrical outlet
2 Run it back and forth over soiled area.
3 When dirt is picked up shut it off and unplug the unit.

Balancing the Post

Yesterday in spin class Evil had said that she read Mondays post and she did not like it because it just contained women's pictures. I did not do this on purpose. I just took the first two pictures that I could photo-shop in a hurry. Not thinking that it should have been more balanced. But too be honest with you all, I don't think about being politically correct all the time. I don't mean to offend anyone. I don't go out of my way to do it, but sometimes it happens so I'm sorry OK, for crap sakes. So this is for Evil. I hope it makes you very happy and will balance out the world for you.

I hope this will do or will I have to include a dog or something else to balance it out a little more. And if you didn't figure it out I made yesterdays post up, it's not a real product.

Your Pal

New Product

I have discovered a new pill that will revolutionize the weight gain business. It's called Groabell'e and it is produced by the famous Nerdlinger Lab in Prague in the Czech Republic. It has been developed in just under 2 days of exhaustive testing. One pill taken once a day will be the same as eating 10 half gallons of Moose Track ice cream..

Why you can just see yourself putting on the pounds in just days. How would you like going to the beach and not be staired at because of your washboard abs. And isn't it more comfortable to sit on a big fat comfortable rear end instead of that bony wood like butt. And a added bonus is that with the weight gain you actually feel warmer in the winter time, with those extra layers of fat to warm you. That's right you take one pill every day for a month and follow our no exercise routine and special diet of everything you always wanted to eat. Soon you will be on your way to a happy carefree life. So give Groabell"e a try and start to relax a little.

BONUS POST ......First Look

These are some of the new John McCain campaign logos leaked to the press. This is from a very funny political website 23/6.

Martha Stewart's Hip.....".It's a good thing"

This is from the Willie World archives way back in September 17,2007, because I got nothing today. So enjoy a blast from the past.

There is word on the street that Martha Stewart is having a hip replacement. So I checked into it and have found a little more information on the procedure. First of all she has decided to preform the operation on herself. This is going to save about 4 or 5 thousand dollars. She has already ordered a fine leather operation table from Italy, made of the finest Caracalla Bagaglio leather. Also on the list is a exquisite hand made set of scalpels,made by artisans from the west coast of Mexico. Lighting will be provided by Southbay. Linens for the operation room, painted in a soft pale green called First Frost , will be 400 count Egyptian cotton. Attendants will be dressed by Elie Tahari, with shoes by Prada with a sensible heel. The hip joint will be fashioned from a universal joint from a 1931 Type 41 Bugatti Royale .Plasma for the operation will be kept in a Sound Green Vase designed by Göran Wärff. The light, pulsing like sound waves, seems to vibrate as it disperses through the exquisite pink, smoke grey and green crystal. After the operation Martha will be making her very own cast out of the original manuscript of Harper Lee's TO Kill a Mockingbird and some old rags that were in her garage .

Why We Always Check Our Trampolines in Maine

Clockwise or Counter Clockwise

Let's answer one of the age old question. Do Australian toilets flush in the opposite direction then they do in America? This has been puzzling mankind since Thomas Crapper help develop the flush toilet. This question was also explored on the Simpsons 16th episode of the six season, Bart vs. Australia.

The toilet flush spinning the opposite way has perpetuated a popular myth that the Coriolis effect affects the motion of drains in the Northern and Southern Hemispheres In reality, the Coriolis effect (caused by the spinning of the globe on its axis) affects global weather patterns. The amount of water in a toilet or sink is much too small to be affected by it.

So you all learned a little something today, I hope. In the future we will be exploring if it is possible to throw a boomerang away.

Be Afraid Be Very Afraid

Don't ever stare at a squirrel or else................................

Yes Master

I am now turning into Igor to Evils Dr. Frankenstein. Last night spin class was a really tough workout. Evil screaming all the way to the end " Come on you slacked jawed yokels, faster" ! It was hot and I was sweating like Michael Vick at a PETA rally. The class included sweet Mary, who has a week left of me being nice too, Dede, Polly and her son, Heidi, one interloper and Jim who just got back from a vacation in Ireland, and who now sounding like Barry Fitzgerald in the The Quiet Man.

OK the Igor thing. Before the work out Evil said that right after the end of the last routine if you want we will get off the bike and run down to the post office which would be about 1 mile round trip. So I'm thinking no way, the workout usually is very hard on Tuesday and I don't think I could do it. "Don't you wants to go Igor?" Evil says. I do master, please let me , oh please let me. So like a Lemming after class 5 people, including Igor take off on the heart attack run. It was Dede and Mary first and they ran all the way, then Heidi second who also ran the whole distance. And lastly there was Dr. Frankenstein and Igor pulling up the rear. I started out like gang busters up this short incline to the main road, about a 100 feet, then I hit the wall. Where are the water stations I kept asking. So I started to walk a little and jog a little the whole way. And Evil stayed right with me screaming and belittling me the whole way. Just kidding she was very nice to stay with me, I think she was afraid that I was going to collapse on the street. She could have run the whole mile with no problem at all.

When I was leaving the YMCA after the run I thought, if Evil suggested that we all run into a wall with our heads I might volunteer. Yes master which wall.

A Story of Extreme Fumagatory Essence

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING

LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE

AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF

BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT

IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS

CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY

AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE

WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP,

SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE

PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT

UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE

BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPAN

TS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS SOME TIME LATER

SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS

FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT

STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL

HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER

YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT

TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED

UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE

ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL

THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU

MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD

END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE

GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM

BACK IN."

OnehundredFifty to Go.

Well Evil is 150.00 away from making her minimum goal of 500.00. I just hope that all of the many millions of Uncle Willie readers will reach into their pockets and donate a little something. It's a good cause and its tax deductible it can't get any better then that, right! Also a little side note is that Evil is looking also to have enough money to have the lobster claws removed from her head. No wonder she alway wears a hat. She maybe a hit at the Rockland Lobster Festival but if she cannot have these things removed the only thing I see in her future is the freak show at the carnival. So please give to the Trek across Maine and maybe a little extra for the lobster horns.

Donate here.

Happy Birthday Mary

Here is the longest happy birthday song I could find. Happy Birthday Mary.

A Four Minute Ad for Prada

This is a ad for Prada and it is beautiful and imaginative animation. If all commercials were like this I would get rid of my DVR.