Florida Vacation 2

Well here I am in Florida and golly gee it's been 91 degrees since Monday, I could just shit if I could, another Florida problem. And the thermostat wars are on with my father, who like I had written before likes to keep the temperature in the house just under 91.

My brother and sister-in-law arrived on Wednesday and now we have two extra players on team air conditioning, so the odds our getting better. Every time my father leaves the room for anything, one of us turns the a/c down a degree. And when team a/c go out, my father brings it back into the uncomfortable zone, it's a fun game we all play. Only a couple more days and we will be back into the coolness.

My father has now out lived his most of his doctors here in Florida, and it seems that he hates everyone of the replacements. He has told us of walking out of the doctors offices if he has to wait to long. He has walked out of the examination room if they ask him, what he thinks is a stupid question. My own personal thought on this is that his old doctors were all from his generation and it was like dealing with a friend when he visits his old doctors. They all treated him as a friend and gave him special treatment. With his new and younger doctors he is just another patient in long line of complaining seniors. So he is having a tough time now and that brings me to a new dad problem.

He has this problem of a lot of wax buildup in his ears and he use to show up at his doctor,and in a half hour that would take care of the problem. But now that he had walked out on his new doctor, he has not taken care of the problem, hence we all have to repeat everything twice to him because he now cannot hear very well. And as a bonus, the sound on the TV, when he is watching the game show network 24/7, has reached the level of his thermostat settings ,91. When we all leave the house it takes about 10 minutes for us all to stop screaming at the top of our lungs.

There are some good thing though. It's nice to be with my brother and father as we all don't get to see each other that often. I know I write about the annoying times, but there are just as many good times as well. Like on Thursday my wife, brother, sister-in-law drove over to New Smyrna beach and took a dip into the 82 degree Atlantic, which was a dream. It's almost like taking a dip into the Atlantic in Maine, only 30 degrees warmer. It was so nice, I love being near the water, it rejuvenates and centers me.

Well that's it for now, and as they say to me here in Florida "Go home you liberal northern gay loving, second amendment hating, Obama loving asshole!"

Staying With My Dad

Staying with my father in Florida is a real experience in how the other half lives. I have learned that a visit of no more than three days is the maximum stay, as any more then that will plunge you into the depths of insanity. Let me say that I love my father, but we cannot be in the same place for more than a couple of days. An example of that is, I have learned over many years to not discuss politics, as he is very conservative and believes everything that is said on Fox is the real truth. And he loves Sean Hannity. I on the other hand am liberal and think almost all things on Fox are crazy and nutty and not to be believed. And I think Hannity is a jerk.

My father think that the inside of his home should be about the same temperature as the outside. While we were visiting him the temperature outside was about an average 97. The house was about 96 degrees, or about the same temperature as the Republic of Congo. The first thing I did when I walked through the door was head right for the ac control and adjust. For the next three days it was a battle of thermostat adjustments. When I when out for anything he would raise the temperature. I on the other hand would lower the temp every time he would leave the room. It was a battle to see if he would freeze or I would melt. Some of the other problems with the stay are that my father thinks that his septic system will explode if you take too many showers. Sun light is bad. I now know how living in a cave would be. Don't wash the dishes too much, septic problem again. And last but not least the house alarm. You cannot open a door without hearing two beeps and every door is locked at all times. For two days I kept grabbing the door knob and running face first into the locked door. Oh and don't go out to get the paper in the morning, you will be locked out in a split second.

Let me say again that I love my dad very much and I do enjoy being with him, but not for more than three days.

Welcome to Florida

Back from Fla. yesterday with a sun burn and a renewed conformation of why I would never live in that state. With temperatures close to 100 and humidity about the same, you could actually stick a fork in me and I truly would have been done. If you want to do anything in the out of doors you had better get it done before 9 AM or else you are toast, and I mean that literally. There are no signs of life outside, it's a life of air condition hopscotch. You go from a air conditioned home to an air conditioned car to a air conditioned store or work place. The only way to enjoy the out of doors is to be standing in pool, lake or the ocean. And even in the water you can burn your body like a perfectly done shrimp,or be stung by a jelly fish in the ocean or eaten by a alligator in a lake.

The state is filled with loads of senior citizens and that was the only thing that was ,for me a good thing, as I was refereed to many times as kid in my travels. And another thing I noticed was that if you make eye contact with strangers there are no howdy do's or how you do'ins. Back in Maine eye contact with a stranger is almost always followed by a "Era, how arr ya."(That's said with a new england accent.) But the one instance that personified my visit to Florida was a trip to the beach one day. As we were pulling away from a traffic light, a man on foot, gave us the finger as we passed him. And looking back at him in the rear view mirror, it was not just us that he greeted with the one finger salute, it was every car that passed him. Welcome to Florida.

A Word from Your Pal

I'll be away for a week, but that does not mean that you won't get the wonderfully enlightened posts that you all are use too. So come back everyday for you fill of this crap. I'll be back live on Monday the 19th. I'll be thinking about you all. Your Pal.

PS Last night my wife and I were driving pass the YMCA and spotted a moose in the field next to the Y. So watch out for the moose crap.

Vacation by the Go Go's

Vacationing at Walt Digney Weird

This is* Rebecca on vacation at Disney World. Is she having a good time or is she going crazy? You decide. I know I would look like this if I had spent 3 or 4 days at Disney World. It's just one too many Disney character with a giant head. It's a the never ending parade. It's the thought of Walt Disney's head being frozen somewhere. It's way too many obnoxious kids being ,well obnoxious. Or how about 280.00 bucks a day, to get into the park, for a family of four. Sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. Or maybe I can have all of my teeth removed with out any Novocaine. You know something. It's a hard decision.

*Rebecca does not look like this all of the time. 99.9% of the time she is a seriously beautiful woman. I hope that this disclaimer will keep me in her good graces. Love ya babe. That's how they talk in hollywood .

Good Bye Boca Ratoians Vacation 5

Finally we are getting out of Dodge. We had great weather, if your idea of great weather is vacationing on the sun, all week. So we are packing for the flight home and now our clothes don't fit in the suitcases. What happen did our things suddenly expand, or has my wife cleaned out every shopping mall in town. I think the mall clean out is the cause. Well any how we loaded the car up, and off we go to Palm Beach airport, after we dropped off our rental car. They needed the car right a way, because there was going to be a big demolition derby show that night, and they had to paint the numbers on the doors.

We arrive at the airport, check our expanding bags and head for security. We get through with no problems and finally reach the waiting area for our flight. I was a little nervous because we had only 40 minutes to make a connection in Philadelphia, for the flight to Portland Maine. But we boarded on time and as we pulled away from the terminal to get in line for take off, the pilot announces that we will be delayed for a while because of traffic in Philadelphia. That's when I put my head between my knees and started to breath heavily. We are never going to make the connections in Philadelphia.

We finally take off and the, you can take your seat belt off sign come on. I always keep my seat belt on the whole flight. Why you ask. I'll tell you, because if the plane every had a quick loss in altitude, and you were not buckled in. Well my friends you would either smash your head on the ceiling or push your head right through the top of the airliner. Just like what happens to the Three Stooges when one of them hits a bump in a car. So there is a little airline safety lesson for you boys and girls.

We landed in Philadelphia with about 20 minutes to spare till our connecting flight took off. Of course everything started to go wrong. The first thing was that someone in the front of the plane decided that a steamer trunk would be ok to be a carry on, and was taking her sweet old time trying to extricate this giant suitcase out of the overhead. They finally get the so called carry on out and we are heading up the ramp to the terminal and my mother-in-law has to go to the bathroom. Now I don't want to say that my mother-in-law takes alot of time in the bathroom. But one time she went in a bathroom as a 72 year old and came out a 73 year old. My wife takes her to the nearest restroom as I look for the wheelchair that was suppose to be waiting for us as we got off the plane. No wheelchair. I look around and there are about 3 people who need wheelchairs also. I ask one of them what happened, and they said a mix up had accrued and that they would be sending a cart to pick us up and drop us at our gate. So now I am really sweating we now have about 15 minutes before we are suppose to board. No cart and no wife and mother-in-law. Somebody please help me. Just then the cart arrived and my wife and mother-in-law emerge from the lady's room. It's a frigging miracle. So we all hopped on the cart and off we go to our gate, which it turned out to be quite a walk. We now have about 8 minutes and my head ia about to explode. We are dropped off at our gate, and we rushed up to the counter with our boarding passes. And the women says "Oh your flight is delayed, and it will not take off for another hour and 45 minutes". Yes boys and girls, life is a bitch sometimes and then you die.

While we are waiting everybody decides that we are a little hungry. That small packet of kibbles and the half glass of water served on the plane, just wasn't that filling. There was a little food court right next to our gate, so I walk over and pick out some tempting treats that we would all enjoy. But when I give the girl behind the counter my debt card she says "Credit car machine is down we only take cash". I reach in to my pocket and pull out 37 cents, this is not good. The 37 cents was the total cash we all had at the time. So me being the hunter gatherer of the group I am off to find food that you can purchase with a credit card. One hour later having walked 17 miles to find a working credit card machine. I returned with 2 slices of cold pizza and a philly cheese steak that the cheese had coagulated. And they only cost me 35 dollars.

We get on our flight to Portland and it is a wonderful flight, short and no problems. And one of the best things was that we had our bags and were in our car with in 15 minutes of landing. And it only took us 8 and 1/2 hours to fly from Florida to Portland. If I ever want to go one vacation again, somebody please shoot me.

Vacation 3 (At the Condo)

Well we finally arrived at our destination Boca West. This place is really something. I always refer to it as Disney Land because it just to perfect. There is not a blade of grass that is out of place, not a cigarette butt on the grounds and there are robots that look like real people working everywhere. I made up that last one, but you get the picture.

Before you can get onto the grounds you have to pass through a check point. You have to tell the guard who's condo you are staying in and also your name. Now you have to do this every time. Even if you, by mistake, backed up a foot, while at the check point, you would have to give the same information all over again. I don't know how many times I had gone out and in, maybe 100 in the course of 10 days, but each and ever time it was the same thing. I knew every guards name by heart, but I would still have to show my licence to them every time. I guess it's to keep people like me out of there.

At the condo there are parking spot for each owner. The parking spot for our condo was the longest distance from the front door. That in it self is not to bad but, all week long we were the only car in the parking lot. And me being the nice guy that I am parked just in our designated space. The down side to this parking space was the weather. It was one million degrees with 200 percent humidity.(The last sentence was an exaggeration.) By the time I reached the car I needed a shower. I spent the whole vacation with dark circles of sweat under my arms. A real turn on for people.

We finally get settled and off to the pool we go. Like I said before this place is manicured to the max. The pool is beautiful and the water everyday was about 94 degrees. But one of the best thing, was that there were virtually no one using the pool. It was good because of the privacy but bad because I could not show off my pure white body. I don't want to say that I was too white, but the guy cleaning the pool asked me if I was an albino.

In the pool area they have a hot whirlpool also. I did not go in because I did not want to boil myself, the temp of the water felt about 150 degrees. But I did heat up a bowl of soup in it. Really convenient.

The people I did meet at the pool were very nice but a little out of my league. I was talking to one man in the pool and he told me that he flys down every two weeks.
I of course asked him if his arm were tired. That's when he doggy paddled away from me. Another person a women had so much gold jewelry on when she entered the pool, she sunk right to the bottom like a gold sinker. I told one women that my wife and I were from Maine, and she said "What part of Florida is Maine in"? I said " no it is a state". She says " is it the 52nd state". I said " No its to the right of Atlantis" and doggy paddled away.

All and all the stay at the condo was fine. Is nice every once in a while to rub elbow with upper crust. But now my elbows are all chafed and red.

Va-friggin-cation 2

Boarding the plane in Portland went off well, no problems at all. We were seated and buckled in waiting for the instructions from the fight crew. My wife and I of course pulled out the handy card with all of the safety instructions on it. I always check were the exits are and always check out how to open the doors. As I looked around the aircraft my wife and I were the only ones that checked this information out. everybody was reading a paper or on their laptops or cell phones, not really paying attention. Well if there ever was a problem and we had to ditch the plane, my wife and I would really be in trouble, because no one else except the flight crew, could in a panic find the nearest exit. And thought all of the panic and kayos I would be shouting that everyone should have looked at the safety instruction and that they are all dopes and that I am the king of safety and will lead them to a safe place so follow me. All hale the safety King. I think I just got carried away a bit. Sorry.

So we finally take off and the seat belt sign is off and guess what happen? The knucklehead in front of me reclines his seat. Didn't he read my blog about putting your airline seat back, jimmy crickets. Plus this guy is the only person with his seat back in the whole plane. Before the reclining I had no room now I have minus room, plus now I am resting my chin on this knuckleheads forehead. God I hate that!

So we land in West Palm Beach Airport on time. We pick up our bags and go to the outside to wait to be picked up by our rent-a-car company. It is called EZ rental. It is a new company I think, because I had never heard of it before. We chose EZ because it was the cheapest car rental. So the rental company's van arrived. We go to get aboard, but the step up to get in is about 2 foot of the ground. Where did they get this van from, a monster truck show reject. I thought I spotted the name Bigfoot through the paint on the side of the van, but I could be mistaken. My mother-in-law has trouble stepping over a raised pattern on the carpet, how is she going to get in this van. Well finally we haul her on board and off we go to pick up our EZ rental car. In the van was a family. They had a small boy, I guess he was about 5 years old. This kid must have asked his father about 300 question in the 5 minutes it took to get to the rental office.

What kind of birds are they? Are there alligators in Fla.? Why is that tree dead? How do you make a martini? Why is that man in the back seat, he was talking about me, trying to put duck tape over my mouth?

After a long 5 minute ride we arrived at the rental company's office. Their office is in the Hilton Hotel so this is looking good to get a nice vehicle.I get in line to pick up our car and this little kid, from the van, is running around like he has had 25 cups of espresso. The people, who are handing out the rental cars think they are doing us all a favor by giving this kid a handful of candy. Well that's like pouring gasoline onto a fire. Within 4 minutes the kid is running around like crazy, but not on the floor on the walls like Frank Langella in the movie Dracula. It was the wildest thing.

So finally we get our car. It is a white Ford Fusion. It looks great. The rental car clerk tells me to check the car over and let them know if there is any damages. So I go out to check out the car. Driver side OK. Front OK. Passenger side OK. The rear looks like a spent booster rocket from the latest NASA launch fell on it. Broken taillight, big black marks all over it. So I go in and tell the clerk, and I am going on and on about the damage and that she had better look at it to see what I was talking about. And she says to me " just bring it back with a half a tank of gas". Have a nice day. We pack up and off we go to Boca in our demolition derby vehicle.

The Start of the Va-friggin-cation

Well were should I start, how about the beginning. So the plan was to spend 10 glorious days in Boca Raton Florida with my wife and my mother-in-law. We were to leave on Monday and return on the following Thursday. Bags were packed everything we needed was, I thought, taken care of. We were taking a flight out of Portland at 6:30 PM so that left us all day to do what ever. I naturally took the spin class in the morning, taught by the The Queen of Pain Amy. So I was ready to go.

So off we go on a leisurely jaunt to the airport with plenty of time to spare just in case we had any trouble. We got to the airport I dropped my wife and my mother-in-law in front of the airlines and I went to park the car. I found a premium spot in the parking lot, right up front. This must be my lucky day I thought.

My mother-in-law has a little trouble walking, so we got a wheel chair for her. Well this handicap for my mother-in-law turned into a blessing for the group. We were given special treatment, that is, rushed to the front of the line in security. A real time saver. There is at least one up side for having a handicap, not just the good parking spaces. So we were sitting pretty, we were at the gate, and we would be the first people on the plane. Plus we had the seat right in front of the bulk head, with lots of leg room. It just couldn't get any better.

We had about 30 minutes before boarding and I was just relaxed and reading my Spin Class World Magazine sipping on a lime flavored Pepsi when my wife taps me on the shoulder and says "I left the keys too the condo in Boca on the kitchen counter'. Now I ,being the cool head in the family, said "What are we going to do, oh no, someone please help me, I want my mommy". After removing myself from the fetal position and wiping the tears away, my wife took over. She went to the ticket counter and got them to change our flight. We would be leaving at 6:30 AM the next morning. So off we go grab our luggage, get the car, load everybody and everything in and head on back to Rockport, 1 hour and 40 minutes away. We got home about 9:30 and got to bed about 10. Now in order to make the AM flight on time we had to rise at 2:00 AM and speed to the airport to make our flight. So much for a leisurely jaunt. Plus my wife is not talking to me, just because I asked her, on the ride to the airport, 55 times if she had the keys. Boy, what a grouch.

Vacation

Don't panic I will be back. So If you really miss this blog, go back and read the older posts again. It just gets better and better with age. I will try to post on vacation but don't count on it. See Ya.

This is from the The Office on NBC about vacation.