I Got Nothing

My sister-in-law and brother are visiting and I got nothing today. So I am giving you the Simpson's show evolution opening. It is quite good.

In the News

Some random thoughts on some random news items." Did you hear that?" Yes I can hear it, its a scream from a women in California who just delivered a 14 lb. baby. The doctor who presided over the delivery had to call in another doctor to help him lift the baby during the delivery. In another shocking development, the mother who is going to breast feed the child, had 3 extra breasts surgically attached to her body to keep up with the child's building appetite. Get outta town.

A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm. And I say whats wrong with that. Why do people have to talk in the movies, do they want to annoy everyone who has come to the movie to watch it. I bet everybody who goes to that movie house now will think twice about opening their yap. I stopped going to the movies in New Jersey because half of the people in the movie theater were talking to the characters in the movie. The last movie that I seen in N.J. was a horror movie. And the couple in front of me keep yelling to the main character in movie " Don't open that door there is someone behind it." Guess what, the movie character did not pay attention and they opened the door. So in conclusion I say sometimes it is justified to wound a person. I bet every time that person goes to the movies now he is very respectful of everyone in the theater. Lesson learned.

Another Hard Workout

Saturday's workout included these attendees, and they were, Mary, who because your pal was late let Jim, who was in attendance, take my ride. Also in attendance were, Heidi , Dede, and couple of interlopers. The class was run by Josh, and it went like this: Warm up-pain-sweat-cool down. Enough said.

If we had Evil and Josh running every other class, I would be about 136 pounds with thighs as big as a redwood tree. Evil's routines are usually more,I would say, scientific in there approach to exercise, very hard but with a purpose. Josh's classes are more caveman like. It's like , ready, get set, pain for 45 minutes. Both great workouts, but different.



PS Special shout out to Evil. Now just because I am giving Josh a little praise you don't have to kick it up a couple of notches. I still think you are the best, so let's all keep a calm heads and don't take it out on us all.

Sunday Funnies

My Name is Uncle Willie and I Have a Problem

I don't want to say that I have eaten every Christmas cookie that has been put in front of me, but I have. And it is not like I have had a bad tasting Christmas cookie, because I haven't. It is that every Christmas cookie has been delicious, and what's with that. It's is like I am addicted to Christmas cookies. It's like I have a sugary cookie jones and I cannot stop. I am reaching out for help I need a cookie intervention. And if anyone is planning on participating in the intervention please have Christmas cookies as a snack after the intervention. See I can't stop. I took the this picture, of myself, in the mirror and I finally realized that I did have a problem. Someone please stop me before I snack again.

Mr. Evil

Wednesday workout was a class run by the inmates. I thought there would be only 2 or 3 people in the class but it had a good turn out. The class was run by Mr. Evil, Josh and he kicked some butt. After a warm up, it was a 27 minute race with no breaks followed by two hill climbs with macho tension. We were all sweating like Sara Palin after being asked who the president was. It was really a very hard workout. Josh is a real task master, and he keeps yelling at me. Go figure, I am his mentor and yells at me to get on the stick. The kids got no respect. Oh well I'll let him go he really did a excellent workout.. I really need a good workout because I am in the "I've never met a cookie I did no like ." mode. Josh is on board for the Saturdays workout at 8:45 or is it 7:45 so I have to get ready. Nitroglycerin pills, check. Defibrillator, check. 911 on speed dial, check. I am ready to go.

Happy Whatever You Are

What is more in keeping with the holiday season then Porky Pig singing "Blue Christmas".

Have a Merry Christmas. Or the politically correct Happy Holiday.

Record Smeckord

Well there is a new record for Canadian body builder and mechanical engineering student Pete Czerwinski. Did he lift a tremendous amount of weight, no he devoured 46 potato pancakes in eight minutes - a new world record - to win the National Potato Latke Eating Championship. And what do you get for getting the record, $300, and a case of Manishevitz. Oh boy, and he better add a case of Rolaids for after the contest. Czerwinske broke the previous record of 31.

This record is nothing, I believe that during a Hanukkah, holiday celebration at our friends home in New Jersey, his family, my wife and I, probable surpassed this record, and with a dollop of sour cream on top of each one, plus a nice big portion of brisket. So I say to Mr. Czerwinski bring your game on down to New Jersey on Hanukkah at my friends home, and try to keep up.

Expect a Light Dusting

I am right now sending a new tape measure to the weatherpeople at my favorite local TV channel WCSH out of Portland Maine. It was on Friday and Saturday that I kept checking the weather when my main man, Joe Cupo, kept saying "Sunday for the mid coast area we will have 2 to 4 inches of snow accumulation" . Well Joe, you only missed it by 11 inches. That's right 15 inches of snow that I was not mentally prepared to clean up because of your forecast Joe. So what is the problem you have sophisticated satellites, Doppler radar and ever other tool at your disposal, and you miss it by only 11 inches. I wore out 3 snow shovels and 2 snow blowers trying to remove 15 inches of snow. And don't get me started on the 4 foot drifts. It would be just like Zebadiah the ancient weatherman telling Noah "It just going to be a slight drizzle". So Joe and Roger Griswold, Kevin Mannix, Steve McKay, and Kelly LaBrecque I am watching you all. And you have to make me believe in you again. So get on the stick, make me a believer.

Good Workouts

Both Friday and Saturdays spin class had relief instructors, Rebbecca on Friday and Josh on Saturday. The Friday workout with Rebbecca was a real good workout lot's of energy. She must have listen to your pal, to kick it up a couple of notches, because she did. The first class she ran did not raise my heart level anywhere near Evil's workout, the cardiac arrest level. But this time she did good, with only one exception, and that is she finished the workout about 15 minutes short. Other than that I think I will let her do one more class.

The Saturday class was run by Josh. And you want to talk about heart attack, I mean it was tough. This guy, thinks everyone in class is 20 years old. I mean he was pushing and pushing, faster,faster, more tension" lets go ass wipes". And you think he would let us stop to drink some water, just enough so we wouldn't fall off our bikes from dehydration. I know everybody in class was finished at the end of the workout, that is except your pal, who could go on and on for at least another hour. But I don't want to embarrass the rest of the class. So we all got a good workout this weekend. I am looking forward to Evil's class on Monday because I am going to win a prize. I know that she will play a Christmas song that is not the most obscure Xmas song ever recorded like" Christmas Hate Within " by Slipknot.

Sunday Morning Funnies

One More for Dinner

Last night my wife and our friends decided to go into Camden and have a drinks and a nosh. It was snowing quite a bit, and as I approached the restaurant I spotted a parking spot right in front of the place. So I pull in and parked. My wife is in heaven, as there is nothing that pleases her more than to park as close to any store when possible. Well any who, we were seated, in a little bump out, in the front of the restaurant, right in the front window . We were having a good old time, with your pal being so dam charming, when all of a sudden I see this car sliding towards my truck and then ounce off the bumper. Evening is now ruined. I had to get on my coat and go out in the snow, first to see if the knucklehead was all right and then to check the damage on my truck. The knucklehead was fine, I think, and the truck had a little gash in the bumper. So I asked this person who just hit me for his information. And we exchanged info. I also talked to this persons mother over the phone and that she said she will take care of any damage to my truck.

There was a couple of strange things about the person that slid into my truck. First he did not have his lights on when he hit me and second, but more important, he had not cleaned off his windshield. He could not possible see out of the windshield. It was snowing pretty good. Plus he did not have his license on him. Gee what do you think the percentages would be, in that you would get into a accident because you don't have your lights on and you did not clear your windshield in a snow storm. I bet it is way up there. I guess I am just lucky that he wasn't going any faster, or he might have come right through the front of the restaurant where we were sitting. If that did happen my wife would have probably said" It's bad, but what a parking spot."

Driving Me Nuts

Yesterday I had a job to pick up a vehicle in Framingham Mass. It was a nice day and I was traveling with good people. One of the men in the car is a local Democratic politician and another buddy is a crazy Republican. Well their was a very loud conversation, or as I say a yell fest. But that is not the story. The story is on the way back and it is a old story as far as I am concerned anyway. I was traveling by myself and I was going north on route 1 in Maine, and I was stuck behind a person who had decided that they were going to travel 10 miles and hour under the speed limit. If you have heard this story from me, stop me,. it's will not work though. So we reach the promise land were there are two lanes, so slower traffic can pull to the right and let the the people who travel at the speed limit go on their merry way. But not this person, he stayed in the left lane still going 10 mph under the speed limit. As you pal passed this knuckle head on the right ,going a thousand miles per hour, I rolled down my window gritted my teeth and called this guy a slow moving-not paying attention-three toed sloth- A-hole, while simultaneously giving him the finger. Oh that feels good. Why do these people do this to me? Why do they want to make me nuts? OK , let's fall on our knees and clasp our hand together and pray "Dear Jebus please make the people who travel at least 10 mph under the speed limit and that are in front of me on the road, run off the road and have their cars burst in to flames. Amen"

Interloper Heaven

Wednesdays spin class run by Victor was good one. It marked the return of the prodigal son,Josh. He had just gotten back for a cruise around South America. Because he has been away so long your pal had to challenge him, he almost kept up. Other familiar participants were Mary, Doug and that is it. People we are being invaded by interlopers. There are more of them then us. And with this group of interlopers, and with a lot of bikes broken, it is sometimes hard to get a ride. And this group, interlopers that is, has a bad habit of talking a lot to each other during the workout. Which your pal does not like, it is distracting me from breathing hard and sweating. Missing were Dede again, Jim, and Heidi.

Special note Josh will be teaching either the Friday or Saturday class. It will probably be a monster so bring your nitroglycerin tablets because the boy has a habit of trying to bring us all to our knees.

What a Swan Song

Well, it looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!
Bush "hasn't dodged anything like that since, well, the Vietnam War.
When the man dies, "he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists.
In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankee scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.

These are but a few of the jokes making the rounds about President Bush having a couple of shoes thrown at him in Iraq. If someone deserves to have a shoe thrown at him, this president does. He and his minions have been making the tours lately, around the world trying to paint a different picture about his presidency. But it's not going to work, during his term he attacked a country,he hardly responded to the Katrina ,he tortured, he bastardize the constitution , he politicized the Justice department and I can go on and on, but I won't bore you.

A unscientific survey by 128 historians assessed Bush's presidency and the conclusions published on the History News Network. The conclutions follows;

"Asked to rank the presidency of George W. Bush in comparison to those of the other 41 American presidents, more than 61 percent of the historians concluded that the current presidency is the worst in the nation’s history. Another 35 percent of the historians surveyed rated the Bush presidency in the 31st to 41st category, while only four of the 109 respondents ranked the current presidency as even among the top two-thirds of American administrations.

What can I say but thank Jebus that there are just a little over 30 days left.

The Burl Ives Controversy

The workout on Monday was another of Evil's gems. She put together a workout with all Christmas songs. It was nice to here the holiday song that were drowning out my heart beat, which was very elevated. Mary, Dede, Jim, Wendy, and Doug. But no Heidi, I guess I am going to have to talk to that girl about attendance. The rest of the class was filled with interlopers, they were all over the place. One of them even kicked poor Dolly off of her bike, shameful.

There was a big controversy during the ride as Evil has been giving out little gifts for giving the names of the people singing certain songs. She thought she would be generous with your pal, since I have not won yet, and give him a song from the last century. It was a Christmas song that no one in the class could identify. And when Evil said it was Burl Ives singing, the more mature people in the class called a foul and told her it was not Mr Ives. But headstrong Evil would not budge and kept saying it was him, which it was not. So I missed a shot at getting a gift because she cannot tell the difference between some knucklehead and Burl Ives. I'll win my prize one day before she get me, I just know it.

Now I Feel Better

This weekend I was taken back to the so called good old days. It all started with a get together with friends for dinner at our house. I was preparing a easy meal, a salad and a pasta. Our house was all decked out in holiday cheer so it was going to be a perfect evening. So guest arrive, we start to chit chat and then I asked what everyone would want to drink. I opened a bottle of wine for the majority of people, but not my buddy, he said " Make me a Martini." So I said "That sounds good for me." Well the evening went along well, with your pal having another Martini and a glass of wine.

Everyone was gone by 11 o'clock and we had cleaned up and I was resting on the couch watching TV when a familiar feeling started come over me. And that feeling was a upset stomach and it was getting worse and worse. And this is the part that took me back to my youth, and went like this:. Bathroom-kneeling-open lid-open pointing finger-find back of throat-apply finger to back of throat, well you get the picture. You would think as you get older you would learn a lesson. Lesson learned, please I hope, for another couple of years anyway.

Sunday Morning Funnies

Here at Willie's World will be running a holiday cartoon every Sunday for you enjoyment. So enjoy them and then get outa town.
Your Pal.

How the Other Half Live

Yesterday we all got ready for the big ice storm that was making its way all over the north east. For my part I made sure that I had enough wood in the garage for when the electricity goes out. We also went out to the store and purchased battery's for our Colman lantern. Also filling our tub with water just in case. Well the storm came and there was ice everywhere, and do you know what we lost, cable. We had no TV and no Internet service. God I don't know how we made it. All day all I did was play solitaire on the computer and play DVDs, talk about hardship. How would you like to watch Pride and Predigest 3 times, I don't know how I survived. Now I have a real feel and compassion for the least advantaged in the world. Now I know what it is like to walk in their shoes and it was horrible.

Please Stand By

We are sorry but we are having technical problems here at Willie's World and I am sure that we will back up tomorrow.So hang in there and look for the new post.

Thank You
The Management

To sleep, perchance to dream

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. That is what a normal night sleep looks like, but mine is like this, ZZZZ..............ZZ......ZZZZZZZ........ZZZZ. I have the worst sleeping habits. I'll just give you last nights as an example. First I feel asleep on the couch around 830 for about a half a hour. And woke up to then I slipped in dream land at 10:30 for about another half hour, then I got up and went to bed, where I broke my own previous record for tossing and turning for about 45 minutes. Got up and went out to watch TV. Watched TV for about 1 hour and a half then fell asleep on the couch. Got up after 2 hours and went to bed where I feel in to a very deep sleep for another 2 hours. And then I got up and headed to the computer to type this blog.

I think what I need is a Ambien or better yet, like the Three Stooges, a giant wooden mallet on the top of my head. Sweet dreams.

Hardly Spinning

Mondays spin class was a Evil classic. When she bring out the paper diagrams of the ride you know your in for it. I guess she had to put on a big show for one on her triathlete interlopers who was in class. Who by the way, wasn't working all that hard. I know because your pal always monitor the group to make sure they are working just as hard as I am. And she was way down on the ball buster meter. I guess she won't be back because, she was riding next to your pal and she couldn't keep up. She is probably thinking I'm a triathlete and I can't keep up with a old man, I am a real embarrassment to myself. But if she decides to come again, I'll talk to her and give her some encouragement, like I did with Mary Dede and Heidi. They have come along way with some encouragement from the spin-mistier general. So maybe there is some hope for this interloper.

Chamber of Death

Oh, look at that opening I think I can squeeze threw that little space. Oh yea I can get in and wow it is rally warm. I'll tell my buddy that he should just follow me, that it is alright. Man is it dark in this tunnel, and what is that sound. Let me go a little further to see what is at the other end. Oh man it is getting warmer and it feels so good. We could possibly make this our new home. That strange sound is getting louder, but I am going to keep going. Now it is really loud now. Oh my god it really starting to be painful let me rush ahead. I don't feel so good and what is that smell. It smells like propane, don't light a match. I don't feel to good. Oh no I am dieing, no more cheese or peanut butter. Good by curl world.

This was what the mouse that got in to our furnace and caused it to malfunction was thinking as he made his way to the mouse happy hunting ground. This is the second time that a mouse caused our furnace to shut down. I don't know what the draw is, except I did find a very small sign that said "Free cheese enter here " out side of our furnace vent.

This Could Get You Killed

What two tunes don't you want to sing in a Malaysian karaoke bar? And answer is "My Way" the Frank Sinatra song or "Country Road" by John Denver. And why you ask, because you could end up dead. A 23-year-old Malaysian man was killed on Thursday night after reportedly enraging other customers who felt that he “hogged the microphone” at what Malaysia’s Star Online described as “a coffee shop-cum-karaoke outlet” in the town of Sandakan, on the island of Borneo. Cheese Louise these people are very passionate about their karaoke. I guess I will have to take out my favorite karaoke tune, Rick Astleys "Never Gonna Give You up". Which could get me killed in every country around the world.

Go here to hear guess what song?

Gifts that Keep on Giving

I am getting ready to buy some Christmas gifts this year, but with the economy the it is it is going to be a little different. Here is a list of some of the gifts I am thinking of giving;

For my wife a picture of a Lord and Taylor store.
For the grandchildren a very nice rock.
For my father who lives in Fla. a strip of cotton to cover the bar in the pull out couch that is always sticking in my back on visits.
For my brother a very nice tree branch that fell off of our tree.
For my sister in law a matching tree branch.
For all of our friends a bag of shredded paper from our paper shredder, which has many uses, none of which I can think of at this time.
And for a couple of special people a vile of your pals sweat from spin class.

I feel it is going to be a special holiday season this year.

Prop 8 The Musical

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

What did you say............

I was just watching TV when a commercial came on for a new product called the Bell & Howell Silver Sonic XL. What it is, is a a device that you put in your ear to amplify sound. But the sell is that it looks like blue tooth device for cell phones, hence no stigma of a wearing a hearing aid. Growing up having too wear a hearing aid had a stigma attached to it, and as time has gone by, hearing aids have gotten smaller and smaller. Today's you can hardly see the device in someones ear, it is so small. Now come along the Sonic XL and it makes you look like you are Ohera the communication expert on the Enterprise. I hate those blue tooth devices you see everywhere today. You go into the supermarket and it is filled with people who look like they are talking too themselves and should be put in a institution. There is one good thing about the Silver Sonic XL and it is that it is only 19.99 for the battery operated one and 29.99 for the rechargeable one. Why not go back in time and bring back the ear horn. It would be environmentally good, but you would really stick out in a crowd. Oh well.

Are You Ready for the 23rd

Are you getting ready for the upcoming holiday? Not Christmas on the 25Th but Festivus on the 23rd. That's right and if you don't know about Festovis I'll give you a little lesson. First you have to get a Festivus pole which is a aluminium pole,very high strength-to-weight ratio. It is anti Christmas tree with no decoration at all. Then there is the Fesstivus dinner that you can either drink heavily or not. But the two main traditions are the Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength. The Airing of Grievances ,which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. It consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year. The Feats of Strengths consist of the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline if they have something else to do.
So you better get out there because there are only 18 days till Festivus.

Orders from Evil

I just got a order from down below. Evil suggested that I write about spin class the very next day and not wait . She also suggested that I not talk about Thanksgiving anymore. (Note to Evil, I COOKED THE THANKSGIVING DAY DINNER.) So OK here we go. Monday Evil turned in up yet another notch with yet another very hard workout. I think by the end of the winter because of these workouts, I will be able to be the first person to take a bicycle up Mt Everest. And speaking of the class Monday, Evil said something semi nice to me about how I am a groovy cat for being aware of the new music, and me being a old fart. Thanks I think. All in all it was a very good workout.

PS We will now be eating turkey soup for the next 3 months.

ADD

I think growing up I had what they are calling today ADD. And this would explain why I don't know what kind of Christmas tree to get, the traditional or a scotch pine and what the heck am I going to do with all the turkey soup that I made yesterday. Is that a red squirrel or a gray squirrel with a skin condition. I don't think I have ADD ,but you know what I like about the holidays all of the flag day cheer that everybody feels. Now what was I saying?

Wednesday's Workout

On Wednesday there was no formal spin class so a couple of the spinners decided to run the class ourselves and that's just what we did. It was a very big turn out consisting of Heidie, Mary and your pal. Mary, as she always will took over and ran the class,barking out orders and making for a very tough work out. Usually Mary is some what soft spoken but give her a little power and man-o-man she is off the the race's. Screaming out orders an going on and on with really hard and long workout. What I think is going on, is that Mary wants to see your pal suffering and wants to see a big pool of sweat under my bike. But I just keep my cool and handle every thing she's got. But when , at the end of the workout, she wanted Heidie and me to bow in front of her, that was the last straw. All hail Evil's henchwomen ,Mary.