Amber Alert ..........3 Missing

Today in spin class 3 of the hardcore spinner were missing. Now I can't believe that they wouldn't show up because of a little snow. They would call me a wuss if I ever did that. So now I believe that something is out of the ordinary. Dede would never miss a class because of snow she is too tough. And Mary, no way, she would have punch the snow in the mouth, that's tough. And Heidi no way the snow would keep her home. My only conclusion is that they were kidnapped and being held in non-spinning class, what ever that is. And if by some strange twist of faith that they did not come because of a little snow, I will never let them forget about it for at least a month. And they will be sick and tired of me getting on them. But I just think they were kidnapped. They had better have been.

Rolling Stone Magazine Dickheads of the Year

New Year bonus post here from your pal.

Dead or Alive .....I Choose Alive

What is the most important things in your life. No it's not Willie's World, it's am I alive or dead. And now you can go to this website Dead or Alive and find out if you are on the list. but while you are there you can check and see if your favorite celebrity is with us or is among the none breathing. You can also play the quizzes about who is dead and who is alive. Have fun.

Here is one of the quizzes.
1.
Joe Flaherty

Alive Dead
2.
Anthony Perkins

Alive Dead
3.
Sam Waterston

Alive Dead
4.
Eva Gabor

Alive Dead
5.
Oliver Hardy

Alive Dead
6.
Tallulah Bankhead

Alive Dead
7.
Elinor Donahue

Alive Dead
8.
Marlene Dietrich

Alive Dead
9.
Vince Edwards

Alive Dead
10.
Leonard Nimoy

Alive Dead



Cool isn't it? In the words of my fathers friend Bud " I check the obituary today and my name wasn't in there, so I am feeling good".

"I have to take a picture"

This is the first day of a visit, of friends, Kathy and Jack from New Jersey had this summer.

While waiting at Newark airport a picture was taken. When they landed at Portland Airport another picture was taken. So we pick them up and off we go towards Booth Bay Maine.On the way we stop at the Irving gas station, take a picture. We finally reach Booth Bay. The first thing we need to do is find a place to take a picture. So we have a little something to eat and before we can leave another picture was taken. So we start to explore the town for a while, wouldn't you know it in 15 minutes,"I have to take a picture". So off we go to find a nice spot to take the picture. The picture was taken and we walk to our car and head home. On the drive to our home I keep asking "Do you want me to find a place so you can take a picture?" "No it is not necessary." was the reply. So we finally reach our home, and guess what?
A picture was taken.

Chuck Norris Will Be Punching Everyone in the World in the Mouth

1.Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
2.There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
3.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4.The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
5.There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
6.Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
7.The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
8.Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
9.Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
10.Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

These little ditties were taken from the web site Chuck Norris Facts, which is filled with these crazy made up facts about Chuck Norris. Funny isn't it, and who would believe any of these things. Oh maybe a moron or a jerk or maybe someone with no sense of humor. But Chuck is not laughing because he is suing the people behind a new book, based on the website. The Truth About Chuck Norris is the book.

One opinion of why Chuck-a-la is so pissed is from Daniel Radosh at the Huffinton Post. Which I paraphrase.

In his lawsuit, Norris alleges that "Some of the 'facts' are racist, lewd
or portray Chuck engaged in illegal activities. The real problem is that
the book's humor depends on a highly refined sense of irony, and by and large,
the Christian culture bubble does not do irony. It doesn't get irony. It doesn't
trust irony. Christian fiction, like Christian rock is always deadly
earnest.

A Christian joke:A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"

Ha.

I bet this is going to be a real boost for the Chuckster's career. But the one thing I hope, is that he does not read this post and reach out through my computer and give me one of his round house kicks to the head. Chuck, you know I love ya babe.

GO GIANTS !

That Horse Has Five Legs

The zoo has been the headlines lately with the unfortunate killing of a person by a escaped tigress. But let's move on to what is most important to me and it is my life.
When I was in grammar school(School#15 in Iselin N.J.)we would take a school trip every year. This particular year, it was the 3rd grade, our teacher Mrs Fightbahm decided to take the class to the Bronx Zoo. I had never been to a zoo so I thought this was the greatest thing since they started to put record players in cars. The big day arrived and we were all set, with our best cloths and our lunch in a paper bag, ready to go. I would be spending the day with my best friend LVB, who lived across the street from my house. and Teddy Feriolli who was my best friend in school. A little fact about Teddy and it was his claim to fame in the 3rd grade, was that he had hair under his arms. Teddy was so traumatized by this that he shaved it off. He told me that it will probably grow back thicker and he will have a tuff time putting his arms by his side. Teddy was a funny guy.

So the whole glass jumped on the bus and off we go to the Bronx. When we entered the zoo it was great with all the animals and the trees it looked, to me like a Paradise. This was how I thought the whole of the Bronx looked for years afterwards. It really amazed me, years later, to find that the Bronx was mostly covered with buildings and that's were the Yankee's played ball there.

The first exhibit we were all attracted to was the monkeys. They were all just jumping around and making all kinds of noises. I thought,cool,I like monkeys till one of them spit on Donald O'Conner's head. That was it I was done with the my love of monkeys, plus I would look at Donald differently from moment on.

Well we wondered the zoo for hours and were just about finished when we all came upon the ponys, or they could have been pygmy horses, what ever they were small. We would have just took a quick glance if it were not for one little horse with a giant erection. I mean this pony penis had to be a foot and a half long. Now this was interesting, this was funny, so naturally we all wanted to stay awhile. But our teacher wanted to move us out before we started to ask her questions about what is going on here. There was much talk of this horses pee pee thing, that's how we talked back then, but the teacher finally got us to leave. On the way back to Iselin, the bus was a buzz with giant pee pee thing talk and many giggles.

The picture is me in the third grade.

I Want the World To Know I Am Nuts

My wife started to watch Dr. Phil just recently and it is driving me nuts. Tell me why someone would go on national TV to show the world that they are nuts. Why would you do this? I don't know maybe they want the world to see that people from America are crazy. This is beyond me. What do these people think before they agree to go on Dr. Phil's program. "I think I want to expose the most idiotic part of my world to the world".God what are they thinking. The program I had seen most recently was about a husband who abused his wife verbally and was found cheating with the families Nannie. And it wasn't the first time this guy cheated on his wife. He also made a pass at this wife's best friend. But the kicker is that the wife had a restraning order against her husband for 3 months and now wants to get back together with him again becasue this guy has said he has changed. This knucklehead has had this same behavor for his whole life and in 3 months he is a new man.
They bring on people to talk about what this quy is like, and they make him sounds like a nut job. Why would you expose yourself like this on TV. It's crazy. I guess it is their 15 minutes of fame I think it is their 15 minutes of shame.

If you feel a little crazy and you crave the spotlight go here and sign up for the Dr. Phil show.

Poop Tube........ Another Great Idea

Because of way too much cheer yesterday this is all I got.

You mean you over did it again Uncle Willie

Shut up and go away Timmy before I hurt you.

What Do We Think About the Most On Christmas?.......Hippo's That's What!

The Real Meaning of Christmas

During this holiday season lets not forget the real meaning of Christmas. Lets not forget that Santa Clause was born in that manger at the north pole. And that 3 wise men delivered gifts, in a sleigh pulled by eight tiny camels, to all the boys and girls around the world. That is why we light the menorah every Hanuka for eight days. I hope that is clear for all of you. Now have a Merry Christmas and get outa here you knuckelheads.

Stupid Quote

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle

That Special Toy For Those That Annoy

It's getting close to that special day, I'm talking about Easter. No I'm talking about Christmas. This is when all the good little boys and girls get all of these annoying toys. But this could be one of the worst I have seen. So if you are looking for something special for that certain person that you hate with all of your being this is what you get their children. Better yet if they have more than one little rug rat get them each one. I bet the parents will be cursing you till Easter. I love the holidays.

A Personal Discovery Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

What's that noise?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh crap that's me.

Yes your pal has made a personal discovery, and that is that when I am out and about in the world by myself I am humming. That's right humming. Just the other day I was in the supermarket squeezing a melon or two and I noticed that I was humming to myself, and not quietly, no I want everyone who is around me too hear. Now I start to ask myself "Are you doing this all of the time?" Then I start to look around and see if anybody is backing away from me. OK all I have to do is just be aware of this humming thing and just stop. But all the while I am thinking this I am humming. Oh god I can't stop! Now what am I going to do. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. There I go again. What am I humming I hope it is something like Chopin's Nocturne No. 5 in B-FlatMajor,Op.No.1. Oh crap it's the Happy Birthday song. I have to stop this right now. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I can't. Now I start to wonder do I hum at inappropriate times. Have I been doing this at funerals or when I stopped to help out at a bad car accident. Oh, that would be real creepy if that is what I am doing. Oh well what are you going to do. I'm just going go with it for now. I guess as I get older and older I will be known by people, as the creepy old man that must really like the song Happy Birthday. The upside is that I can pick up a little extra cash doing children's birthday party's.

Now I know why my wife keeps asking me at home when we are watching TV.

"Turn down the sound. Do you hear that. What is that humming noise?

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm to you.

Fox Attacks Edwards and Obama

I just have to post these kinds of things.We are trying to elect a president that is actually intelligent and has a platform that we want to hear about, so we can make a intellegent pick. But it seems that the fair and balanced network only thinks that the Republican are to get a fair chance. They attack Democrats any chance they get. Even if the story is not true. God I hate Fox.

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket.............

What ever happen to the rhymes and poem's of my youth. Do people still do these little rhymes? They are a little mild for this day and age.
I use to love these things.

Like this little rhyme about pay toilets. I wonder if there still are pay toilets. I'll have to Google that later.

Here I sit broken hearted paid a nickle and only farted.

Or fractured fairy tails.

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two slices of bread!

Or this salacious one from the past.

A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destination,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

Or this little dittie that brings a smile to my face and a desire to have a parker house roll and a raisin.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

Here is a little rhyme for you.

Stop Big Media.................Please

Let's wake up and pay attention before it is to late.



If you agree go here and add you name.

God I Hate Todd

I just finished watching the end of Survivor and guess what, the person that I hated the most on the show won. Todd was the most unlikable person on the show won a million dollars. He lied to everyone and in the end the other contestants voted for him any way. Oh well that's life. This show Survivor just grew on me a couple of years ago. My mother-in-law loved the show and my wife and I let her watch it on our big TV. Well after sitting through the show a couple of times I was hooked. It is a fascinating show. Their are many nuance's in playing the game it is a great challenge for each person playing. Check it out will ya. Has your pal ever led you astray.

If you want to be on Survivor go here and apply.

Stupid Quote

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, they'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



As special bonus, because of the weather we are going to have today, here is an appropriate little tune for ye.
Your Pal Uncle Willie

Roll Over Now Lay an Egg

Ever since I found out that Polly, a women in my spin class raises chickens I have been in my laboratory doing some experiments. Now this is my first try, so it didn't come out the way that I wanted. I was trying to combine a chicken and a dog. I thought that it could lay the eggs and then fetch them for you. Also there is nothing scarier than a watch chicken to protect your property. But my experiment has gone a little off. It lays eggs but they are brown and stink, plus they look like dog crap. Well back to the drawing board.

Would anyone like this animal. The only problem is it starts barking when the sun comes up. It will also, if you can stand the beak marks, get your slippers.

When Mary's Attack

Just a little note about spin class today where I was brutally attacked by, I thought she was a friend, Mary. She called me and old fart and that I should hang it up and let the young people take over. And then she laughed and spit in my face. She said that I peddle like I have something wrong with me. And then she made fun of my bleeding lip. She said that I should be hooked up to a bag of blood so that I could make it through the workout. When I tyred to get in her good graces and to discuss this, she kicked me square in the family jewels, and said "take a bow old man". Before class she must have smeared my bike seat with Ben Gay because the whole ride I thought my crotch was on fire. Please Mary take it easy on me I don't have that many years left.



I did exaggerate this is story a little bit for your enjoyment.

Tell Your Kids About Sex

Watch this public service announcement about sex education for your kids.

WARNING; This may not be appropriate for small children and adults that have a problem with certain words.


A little information for you after you watch the clip. Other name for a Cleveland steamer are Hot Carl, Boston Crab, Cincinnati Hot Plate, Pittsburgh Dump Truck, and "The Old Nasty Sum-mu-ma-Bitch".

Snow

Let it snow let it snow let it snow. Yes it is snowing alot and I am just pleased as punch that I am out there pushing it around every other day. There is nothing more beautiful than a new snow that blankets everything with touches white. Ok, enough that crap. How many times this year am I going to shovel my walk? It looks like a million times. If it snows a couple of more times my property will be a walled compound. Well any how I have to go and warm up the old snow shovel becasue it is going to snow today and then Sunday.I can't wait.
Warning Don't eat yellow snow or any other discolored snow.

Drive yourself crazy while watching the snow.
Click here.

Bleedy's Story

I have got this problem, and no it is not mental. It is that I have a vein in my lip that is very close to the top layer of skin. Now what happens is that, if I let my lips get chapped and they crack it starts to bleed. And I don't mean a little spot of blood, no it is a Old Faithful geyser, it's a Niagara Falls, its a Dan Aykroyd playing Julia Child cutting herself during a cooking show on SNL kind of bleeding. Get the picture. This does not happen all of the time, but when it does it is such a joy. The first time it happen was at the Lobster Festival in Rockland Maine two years ago. Don McLean was the featured entertainment. So all night I am waiting to hear American Pie and it was going to be the next song he played. But right before that the lip thing started and before I realized it the front of my white shirt had a giant blood spot of it. So I grabbed about 400 napkins and was making my way back to the car with my wife and our guests. Well walking out of the festival with blood all over me was quite the site. It looked like I had just gone 1 round with Mike Tyson. And another thing was that my exit was not discreet in the least. Every single person at the festival saw my bleeding ass go by and stared and pointed.

We stop at the emergency room and I am taken to a small room to wait for the doctor to check me out. Oh and just to show how compassionate my wife and company were, the keep calling me bleedy on our way to the hospital. Well the doctor comes in and checks me out and says that he will have to cauterize it. Golly gee that sound like a lot of fun, not. So this guy starts out by giving me a needle of something to deaden my lip. Now this was about the worst pain I have felt in a long time. So anything after that would be just fine. And because of the shot there was no pain when he cauterized it. And as I am waiting to leave the doctor asked me if I had heard Don McLean sing American Pie at the festival. I think he wanted to make me feel a little worst then I already did. So I just said "Oh Don McLean was at the festival, I didn't know that". And then I walked out to my relatives who for 3 days ,after this complained that they didn't get to hear American Pie, plus they kept calling me bleedy any chance they got.

Bad Elfves Are Good Dancers

The bad elfves here.

Bush Administration Only Hires People with Bad Memories

Elf me, elf you!

Help I have been elfed. Here

If you wanted to be elfed as well, then go here.

Beware of Japaneses Tourist Waving their Arms

During the tourist season you will probably hear this phrase from tourist from Japan. But I don't know how you would answer. Kaopectate.

http://view.break.com/411110 - Watch more free videos

Is that guy driving a egloo?

OK what's up with the people driving around with a 2 foot snow drift on their cars. That is just making me crazy. Today I was out and about and got behind this person, I don't know if it was a man or women because all the window were covered with snow and ice so I couldn't see, they were driving about 4 mph, and trying to clean off the inside of their windshield. This dumb ass must have walked out the door,jumped in the car, started it, let it warm up for 1 second and took off. You tell me how he knew he was getting into a car and not a snow bank. Why not let your car warm up a bit, clean off the windows so you can SEE me behind you talking to myself and giving you the stuff. There has been, I have seen this, a couple of people who still have snow and ice on their cars in June. I have seen a penguin family living on their roof. I kid you not.

There is another type of snow hauler that will clean the windshield but only enough so that they can see straight ahead. It's just this little circle on the windshield. Just about the size of this knuckleheads head.
Holy crap, please someone help these poor unfortunate few that don't have either the brains or the where with all to cope with the intricacies of how to clean the snow off of a vehicle. Isn't there some adult education class that can teach these miscreants this task.
Lets all bow our heads. Dear ------------ please guide these poor unfortunates in the skills of auto snow removal and if they fail, may they be struk by lighting. Amen.

Real Far Side Cartoons

This is worth a couple of yucks.



http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=2455&display=photoshop

For the Little One's From Uncle Willie

This is very special, and I think all the little kids will enjoy this fun clip. Pleasant dreams kiddies.

Waking Up With the Promise of a Great Day

Well it's been a hell of a week end. It started with such promise. I play tennis on Saturday at 10 am. I just started to get back into playing tennis, after laying off for about 10 years, so I look forward to having a chance to play. So I started out just find in the first game. Things are looking good, I am flying around the court like Roger Federer, it was something to behold. But next game as I was serving I got some real bad pain in my elbow, I usually get this from hanging out at the Time Out Pub all day. Just kidding kiddies Uncle Willie travels the straight and narrow, most ofthe time.
So I continued to serve and the pain just got more unbearable, It got to the point that I had to quit. A trip to the doctor and I have tendinitis. Great no tennis for two months. It just keeps getting better.

Late that night on Saturday we had to take my mother-in-law to the emergency room, as she became very ill. My wife and I spent about 4 hours in the emergency room till they admitted my mother-in-law. My wife spent most of the time in her mothers room while I sat in the emergency room. There are quite a cast of characters coming through the door late at night. I would say that 99% of the people who came in had been drinking, as the room smelled like the a for mention pub on a good Saturday night. A good thing is that it is quite a show , the down side is that they all want to talk to me.

"Yes it's very cold outside and no I am not f-ck up too or no I don't have a cigarette".

But there was also another good thing, and it was that I got to watch the Oklahoma/Missouri football game uninterrupted except for a couple of the same questions.

We finally left the hospital and proceeded to get into our car. I got behind the wheel and all of a sudden I start to shake like I am driving in my under ware, which I wasn't. So all the way home I am shivering like a man, well that is very cold. We make it home and I am getting sicker by the moment. I end up on the couch in sweat pants,tee shirt,long sleeve insulated shirt and a sweat shirt. And I am still cold. Well after a doctors visit I find out I have a streped throat. So it feels like I am swallowing a crushed up light bulb. It just doesn't get any better then this week end. Life is great isn't it?

The Beatles

Here is a Beatles song for you on this snowy day, with and appropriate tittle. I am doing this because I have to shovel snow all day. So enjoy the snow if it is in your neighborhood.

Stupid Quote

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

Quarter to Eight....Holy Sh-t!

Today I got up a little late and had to rush to the Y for today's spin class( OH here we go again). That means no cauffee, as we say in New Jersey or caffee as it is incorrectly pronounced in the New England. Well any who, I am rushing around like a nut trying to get into my spin costume and get out the door. I jump into the car back out of the garage, or as we say in NJ car hole, and off I go. I have developed this skill of being able to put my heart monitor on while I am driving at breakneck speeds through the streets of our fair city. Now I want to warn everyone that this is very dangerous when tried by untrained individuals. I being a professional driver have no problem with this move. I may reveal,in the future, how to make a ham and cheese sandwich, with mustard, at 70 MPH while steering with your knees, but you will have to wait for that little gem. Well I finally reach the Y and I jump from my vehicle and sprint for the door. I give the howdy do to the front desk and make for the spinatorium. I walk in and I can feel the love from my fellow spinners."Can You get here any later, buthole". "You are holding everyone up, Jerk". They just love me. Any way I made it and with me getting up really late that was a good thing. But I think there was some one in the class that got up even later. This guy was wearing a bike shirt like Lance Armstrong and pajama bottoms. This guy either got up real real late or he was sleep cycling. I just don't know.
Your Pal Willie