Grend Peppy

DeepThoughtsByJackHandey.com

Getting Pass Level 13

This is what happen on Tuesday the 27th . A day that will not live in infamy.

This has been a heck of a day. First of all I wake up and go to the computer first thing. So I'm fadidiling around and I say to myself just 30 minutes more and I will start my day. That was around 7:30AM, next thing I know it's 1:30 PM, and yours truly has not done a thing, but left comments on other peoples blogs. I had just finished level 13 in Bloxorz another addicting game and I was seriously thinking about logging off and start to do something, anything. So I sez "I'll go to the dump" that's the responsible thing to do.

So I started to gather all the crap that I had to take to the dump, cardboard, cans, leftover Thanksgiving dinner, 500 bottles of wine and just your regular old garbage stuff. This took about 1 hour to get this together. So every thing is in place so I can pack it in the yellow recycling bags . One problem I only have one bag and I have a 4 bag pile of crap. Well only one bag, maybe I should put it off till I buy more bags, and just go back to Bloxorz and attempted level 14. "No I gotta do this". Now I stuff all that I can into the one bag. The bag now weights about 100 pounds. It is so full that the wire tie is at the very top of the bag stem. It cannot be picked up by the stem, it has to be picked up from the bottom. I don't know if you have ever lifted a 100 pound bag-o-crap from the very bottom, it's hard. Well any way I gather what I can and place it in my truck, by the way I had to make about 6 trips to gather all of the garbage. I am finally ready to go, so off I go.

On the way to the dump I get behind a women who was going about 5 MPH. She was a very small women because driving behind her it looked to me like no one was driving her car. I finally get around her and then I ran into I'm- not- going- to- use- a- signal- guy. He is turning this way and that with never a thought about me in back of him. He finally turns off, without signaling of course, and I run into another women who is driving even slower than the first women that I had encountered. We were on Route 1 and I think she thought that was the speed limit, 1 MPH. This women also must have been looking for and address because she would slow down, too a 1/4 MPH, as she passed each house. She finally found her address and I made my way to the dump. I make the turn into the dump and there are 10 cars in line, and each one was a personal friend of the dump guy. I know this because every car stopped and talked to this guy for about 5 minutes. What are they talking about , Hows the garbage, find anything interesting in the garbage, can you explain Einstein's theory of relativity, hey let's piss off the guy in the 11th car just for ha ha's, I just don't know. Well any who, I drop off my stuff and head home, but now it is 4 o'clock and to late to do any work around the house . But there is time to work on getting past level 13.

I would like to give a tip-o-the-hat to my friend Jeremy at Jeremy's Status Message for finding these games that have keep me on the computer for 12 hours straight. Now I have no time to do any thing constructive, except try to go to the next level. My wife is also giving you something but it is not a tip of the hat. It's more like a extended finger.
Your Pal,
Willie

Only Older TV Viewers Will Get This

How Old is Your Old Dog

Do you wish to know your dogs real age. I don't mean the year has been on this planet. I mean his years as far as its health. Yes there is a website that will tell you your dogs health age .

For example, I am an old fart but according to my personal health I am a semi old fart.The way they use to figure dog years was to multiply the age of your dog by 7. Let see, let me figure out my age in dog years. OK I just did the calculations and I have been dead for 6 years. That's not good thing as Martha would say. So if you want to figure your own pets health age go to this website.

Fox News Porn Site

This is a site put together by Robert Greenwald who is making a living showing the hypocrisy of the Fox New Channel. Everything on this site was shown on the Fox News channel not just after 8pm but at all times of the day.
Gee golly wilikers I don't like Fox News.

The Chia Poll was Chia Crappy

Well I guess the Chia Pet is not very popular with the group of you that come to this blog, beause only two people voted in the poll. Not interesting enough for ye. Well you don't know what you are missing.

Chia Pets are grown by applying moistened seeds of chia , the aromatic annual from whose common name the Chia Pet gets its name, to the clay, grooved figurine body. After three to five days consisting of filling and refilling the Chia Pet with water as well as discarding water that has accumulated in the provided drip tray, the seeds sprout, having formed a gelatinous coat that adheres to the Chia Pet's body. At this point, little effort is required to maintain the Chia Pet, whose plant counterpart grows into a verdurous covering.

Now isn't that something! This would be a good way to get the kids into agriculture or even into being a John Deer tractor operator ,I think. A little know fact is the George Washington Carver ,the inventor of the peanut , became interested in botanical research becasue his mother gave him a Scooby Doo Chia Pet on his fifth birthday. Don't believe me, look it up skeptics.

Ouotes I Like

"In 2261 astonomers renamed Uranus to end that stupid joke once and for all. They renamed it Urectum"

..........Profeesor Farnsworth

The Amy's

What's the new post about Uncle Willie?

Spin class Timmy.

Oh jesus cripes Uncle Willie not again.

We now have another new instructor,Really-Short-Hair Amy. I expect the next instructor to be Bald-Head-Amy. RSH Amy tryed to give me a heart attach today but I fooled her I lived. And I now can tell the difference between all of the Amy's.Long-Hair-Amy is much kinder and gentler soul. Short-Hair-Amy has got this squeaky voice and is tough. Really-Short-Hair-Amy is really the toughest and she wears a patch, not over her eye but, on her cheek. That's real freaky. What's next No-Head-Amy.

The Impossible Quiz...It's Impossible!

Who wants to be aggravated, raise your hand.

"Meeee oh pick me oh please".

That's why I play these stupid games. So I can get so aggravated that I start screaming out curses like fargin iceholes, rotten cork sucker, son-a-ma-batches. Sorry I just get so out of control. Well any who, if you want to really be aggravated and want to piss yourself off click here or here.

Warning; Please remove all young children from the room, as they will probably be introduced to some very colorful language, that could even embarrass a sailor.
Thank You
Your Pal Willie



For a small fee I will give you the answer to any one of the problems.

A Good Laugh for Thanksgiving

Leak at the Beak

Another post about bodily fluids Uncle Willie?

Yes Timmy.

You are really getting far out there Uncle Willie.

Wipe your nose and shut up Timmy.

Why, when I blow my nose do I always look into the tissue after. What am I looking for, I don't know. Maybe some loose change or something I had lost.

Oh there's that missing hotel piece from my old Monopoly game.

Now I know where that "I Love the Monkeys" button disappeared too.

Maybe I am looking for the meaning of life in there. Or maybe, one time, I am hoping that I will find that my nose gold has formed a perfect image of the Virgin Mary and that people will come from all over the world to see the wonder in my tissue. And then by gazing at it, the sick will be cured and there would be a movement for world peace. But that's just crazy talk, I think.

I remember when I was just a wee lad my grandfather, told me that, the stuff in your handkerchief was what was keeping my head from collapsing.


I think that might be the case. But I still don't know why I have to check every time I blow my nose. I guess it will be just one of life's little mysteries.

And a big tip-o-the hat to Grandpa for scaring me into not blowing my nose for over 10 years.

There is a Chart for Everthing...............

Some interesting information that I picked up while I was surfing the web tonight. I mean I don't really give a crap about this shit. But I just wanted to give you the real poop about this subject. I found this chart while sitting on my stool at home tonight. It was just about the time that I heard my door bell chime, ding dung. But it was just Mr. Fecalstien he wanted to borrow my Mitsubishi Feces. sorry I mean my Mitsubishi Priese. So you could say my night ended up in the toilet.


The Bristol Stool Form Scale or Bristol Stool Chart is a classification of the form, that is appearance in a toilet, of feces into seven groups. It was developed by Dr. K. Hering at the University of Bristol and was first published in the British Medical Journal in 1990.[1] The form of the stool depends on the time it spends in the colon.

P.S. To my friends in North Carolina this post will tell you the ansewer to your question.

Richard Simmons which art in Heaven............

Well the voting is completed and I want to thank all 7 of you for your willingness to participate in this poll. The results of the poll question God,Satan,or who ever, is very interesting to say the least.Now I didn't write it out but the underlying question was who do you worship. You may have thought that you were voting for something else but you were not. HA HA. So the picks in the poll are kinda creepy. The number one pick with 37% of the vote was Richard Simmons which I see nothing wrong in that pick. Number two with 25% was God who ever that is. Number three was a three way tie between Satan, jebus, (you would only no jebus if you are regular viewer of the Simpsons)and my old dog Barney, all with 12%.But nobody voted for Pinky Lee which I find very disheartening. What are we becoming people, a race of Pinky Lee deniers. I think we should all get down on our knees ,close our eyes and repeat this quietly to yourself. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down our pants. Amen.

Stupid Quote

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people.."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor

Study Leonardo de Vinci's Last Supper

Check out this website, here, it has high definition pictures of Leonardo de Vinci's last supper. It is very cool. Even cooler than a moose.

What color is Pinky Lee?

Pinky Lee had a children's show when I was a kid. This was a very long long time ago. It was so long ago that our TV was run by coal. I kid you not. Our family was one of the first to have a TV on our block. We lived in a little town in south Jersey called Pemberton. We had three channels and after 9 or 10 o'clock we would get a test pattern till the next morning. That what TV was like in the early 50's. I don't know if it was just my perception at the time but most of the shows on were for children. This is were I first discovered The Pinky Lee Show. He was this man who had a lisp and wore a funny hat. He would run around like he was shot out of a cannon during the whole show. A lot of energy I'd say.

So here is what the Pinky Lee show looked like. Enjoy.

Do You Know What A Stink Pickel Is?

Well today I took a little trip to St Johnsbury Vermont to pick up a vehicle for the car dealer I work for, Fullers GMC Cadilac Jeep in Rockland Maine. I took a GMC Sierra pickup truck to exchange it for a GMC Yukon SUV. I wanted to get a early start because I promised that I would go food shopping with my wife when I return. I had made this promise in a moment of weakness and I could not talk my way out of it. So any who,I leave the house at 600 AM and it is foggy and rainy just the perfect start for a 150 miles trip. The start of the ride wasn't too bad because there are not a lot of people on the road at that time in the morning.

But what made the trip best for me was that the pickup had a XM satellite radio which I love. I set 3 presets. Number one is the 50's decade, it is music from the 50's. This was the music that was in the back round of the Willie movie, THE YOUNGER YEARS. I love doowop music. The Charts, Lee Andrews and the Hearts,the Del Vikings, Harvey and the Moonglows they were all great in there time. And as I was cruising along the highways and byways, I am belting out these tunes, it was great. While I am singing at the top of my lungs I look up and spotted the Onstar on the mirror and I start to wonder if someone is recording this and that I will be appearing on the next GMC commercial bloopers.

The number 2 preset is the comedy channel,the one that is not censored. This channel has some of the funnest people in stand up. There was one time today that I was laughing so hard I started to cry. Just at that time a car had pulled up next to me and gave me the strangest look. I tyred to mime to them that I was listening to a comedy channel on the radio, but I don't think they understood because they flipped me the bird. Go figure. Another plus to listening to the comedy channel is that you learn new phrases, today I learned stink pickle.

Number 3 preset is Air America it is a progressive liberal radio station. I love this station because it is one of the only progressive voices on the radio. Compare that to the 50 or so conservative talk shows that are on all day. Did you know that you can pick up Rush Limbaugh on 3 channel everyday. Once is way too much in my opinion. So it is nice to hear another point of view.So that part of the ride was great.

I kept switching through all of the channels,up and down the dial, a thousand times, it was great.(I think I've said great about 20 times so far, isn't that great).

The route that I take passes the White Mountains in New Hampshire. On a clear day there are spectacular views of the mountains and surounding area. But on this day I could just see the highway.

I arrived at the dealership in St. Johnsbury and exchanged the pickup for the Yukon. Now this is a good ride. It had all of the bells and whistles. XM of course, GPH, leather seats all around and a great big egg salad sandwich in the glove compartment. Just kidding about the sandwich. And in addition to a glove compartment there was all so a compartment for gloves. I made that up too. The trip back was just as good as the trip up. Lots of singing, laughing and getting pissed off. I love it.

Pushing Daisies on ABC or ELSE !

I want everyone to watch the ABC program Pushing Daisies. It's on Wednesday at 8 EST. I love this program very much and wish it to stay on the air. It is so inventive, with great visuals and a great story. And the characters are the best.

The story is about a boy who discovers that he can make the dead come to life just by touching them. But there are many down sides to this power. If he touches the person again they die. And if after the person is brought back to life and it is for more than one minute someone else close by will die. Oh by the way its a comedy.

Please check this program out. Because if you don't I will hunt everyone down like the dogs that you are and I will, well I haven't figured that out yet. Well any who.

Have a nice day

Your Pal

Willie

The Boneman

This about our one and only dog Barney. When we were first married my wife every once in a while would say we should get a dog. And I would say NO. Why you ask. Well I'll tell you. Because I would be the one who ended up taking care of the pooch.

My wife was working for a trucking outfit at the time, and one of the drivers,from Michigan, had come in with these puppies. So naturally because I had said no, she took one. So I get a call to come pick up this pooch at her office. I did. The pup turned out to be really cute. Da, like all puppy's aren't cute. I bring the bugger home and I fall in love with him. Not in the biblical sense, but in the cute sense. I named him Barney after the character on the Andy Griffith show. Why Barney? Because I like the name Barney and I like Barney Fife. And as the years passed he was called many names by my wife and myself. A couple of examples were Barn, Berney, Barnyard, Boney, Bonealeia, Boneman, B man, the Barnster, and just plain B. Now that I think about it, with all these names,no wonder he never came when you called him.

To my wife and I he was just the perfect dog. Loving and always happy to see you when you returned home. But to the 5 or six people who he bit he was not loved but feared. Yes the B-man had a little problem. He liked the taste of flesh. Now this was a real problem, because we would always have to be on the look out when we had people over to our home. We would agonize about whether we should get rid of him all the time, but he was so dam cute plus he was not biting us.

We were at our wits end when someone suggested a dog behaviourist. So we contacted this man and made a appointment for him to come to our home and check out the Boneman. He arrived at our home one night and started to plan what we were going to do to try and change Barney's appetite for blood. He seemed very scientific in his approach and said he would show us the first behavioural change that night. He said that we should keep Barney in the house and he would go outside. Then he said that he would barge in the front door very aggressively and we would see how he handled our aggressive dog. We let the dog in and all of a sudden here comes the behaviourist. He barges through the door the B-man goes after him and he smacks him in the head with his hand. Very scientific I thought. I could have done that myself. So we paid this man a goodly amount of money to come to our house and smack our dog in the head. Brilliant. After that we just watched him closely around people or kept him away from our guests.

One of the many charms that the B-man had was wanting to go outside 500 times a day. But the best of times was early in the morning say about 2 AM. I would have to get up for work at 3:45 AM every morning. This is something you never get use to. I hear people all the time say,"I don't need a alarm clock to get up I just get up everyday at the same time". Well If you get up at 3:45 AM this will not happen.
You would hear the dog whimpering at your bedside and you would have to let him out. My wife and I would take turns letting him out. There was this fun game we use to play, "you let him out I let him out the last time'. " No you didn't it was me who let him out". This would go on for about 5 minutes till one of us gave up. I would go down stairs and let Barney out the back door. And the Boneman would do one of three things. He heads out and does his business and comes right in. Or he walks out on the porch and stands there looking out into the yard and comes back in. Or one of my favorites, he would do his business and than walk around the perimeter of the yard for half and hour while I am screaming his name to come in, which he is ignoring. We finally put in a dog door about a year before he died.

The Barn man was very sly too. When we were at home he would never try to get up on the furniture. But if we went out, when we would return he would always greet us at the door as if all were normal. But if you put your hand on the couch it would be warm from him sleeping on it. But we would never catch him in the act. I think he had a camera installed outside to monitor our comings and goings.

Berny lasted about 13 years and we loved him a lot. He was a good dog to us. The best part about having a dog that goes nuts when people come to the door is, no girl scout cookies, no magazine sales, no politicians and no Jehovah Witnesses. Thanks Barn.

Brett Bozel on Fox ........ A Real Smart Guy

Last night on the fair and balanced network, Brett Bozel was on to talk about the new Robert Redford movie Lion for Lambs. He started to trash the movie, saying it was anti military and anti American and on and on. When asked if he had seen the picture he said no. Also in the same discussion he stated that Hilliary Clinton gets a pass with the press with no negative press. It was pointed out that the results of a Pew Research Center study indicating that reporting on Clinton has been 26.9 positive, 35.4 neutral, 37.8 negative. Bozel reply. I don't believe that poll. A real genius and a great debater. Lets have someone on that knows nothing about the subject. The fair and balanced network at its best.

I've had So Many Facelifts That I................

Another observation of the goings on in Boca Raton, is that there are many face lifts around town. I would spot a person who looked like a 30 year old, and then I would spot their 60 year old hands. I can see what they are doing in trying to look younger for what ever reason. But I could tell in a second that they had a face lift. Their skin is pulled so tightly over their skull it is ridicules. Why I saw one women with both ears on the back of her head. That's how tight her skin was pulled back. It looks like someone smeared their face with a butter knife. One day I was standing outside of a mall when it started to rain. There were about 4 or 5 people with face lifts around me and when the rain hit their faces it sounded like a Cozy Cole, Gene Krupa and Ginger Baker drum extravaganza. One person said to me that they had so many face lifts that they can't wear a hat anymore because it covers their eyes.

Short-Hair-Amy

Well we have a new instructor today. Her name is Short-Hair-Amy. She seems to be a lot tougher and has a squeaker voice when she yells at you to "COME ON". She sort of looks like Long-Hair-Amy but different, maybe it's the short hair. I don't know what it is, but I sure do miss Long-Hair-Amy. I wonder if Short-Hair-Amy did away with Long-Hair-Amy, naw that would be too creepy. Well maybe Short-Hair-Amy will push her way into our hearts and make us love her as much as Long-Hair-Amy. I hope so.

Here s a helpful site to help all of you to deal with the long hair/short hair dilemmas.

I Got Nothing Post

Quote: "I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth now that Lew Gehrig's dead"....................Homer Simpson

This was from an episode where Homers father needed a kidney and Homer reluctantly offered his. In the same episode while discussing his options with Marge, Homer suggested that he would give his father the artificial kidney he had made. Where upon Marge said that it wasn't such a good idea since his artificial kidney was just a beer can with a whisle glued to it.

This one of the funnest Simpson epidsodes in my humble opinion.


The clip below is a burp fest with Barney. I wrote this post so I could give you the Lew Gehrig quote. I got nothing else.

Who the Heck is Kevin Conroy ?

This has to do with new poll question; Who was your favorite Batman? Once again the voting is overwhelming, 5 people so far. What is it, you just don't care who your favorite Batman was or is it just complacency. I just don't get it. I know every minute of your day is full, but how long does it take to click a mouse? Maybe it takes a 1/4 of a second. Or is it that you people are thinking to much about your answer. Oh I don't no. Adam West was a funny Batman and I sorta like that, so do I want to check him or do I want to make a serous pick like Michael Keaton, God please help me,I think my head is starting to hurt. Why can't I make up my mind. Pa-lease, give me a break. Just click on one and move on with your life people. Holy Crap Batman! I promise that the future polls will be less stressful. Your Pal Willie.

Well, are you going to tell us who Kevin Conroy is Uncle Willie?

Yes Timmy I am.

Kevin Conroy is the voice of the cartoon Batman.

Here is the opening of the Adam West Batman TV show.

Town and Country Magazine

While down in Florida on vacation. I found, in our condo a copy of this magazine called Town and Country. I started to page through the magazine and began to notice that there were no pictures of people like me, the everyday Joe lunch pale type. Also the woman all had names like Coco,Zig,Silbhan,Pepper,Posy and Gigi. The only Pepper or Coco that I know are in my pantry. And I did not see one ad for Sears or JC Penny's in the magazine. There was Harry Winston jewelry,Teno jewelry, Vera Wang clothing,Sasha Primak jewelry,Primigi Italian style for childrenand of course Traum Safes. So the group of people that Bush gave the tax breaks too have their own magazine. How nice. And I hope that when I am hosting a party for my friends they will present me with,like in the magzzine for your favorite host,a sterling silver and agate tray from Vire, (700.00 and 1,125.00). I wonder if you can buy that at Reny's.

Fox's Hipocrisy

A Visit to My Dad's House

While down in Boca on vacation I decided to drive up to Deltonia Florida to see my father, and spend a couple of day with him. As I walked into his house it struck me that my fathers house looks the same today as it did 14 years ago. Nothing is changed or moved in the house. My mother had pass away years ago and I guess my father wants to keep my mother presents in the house as much as he can. He still keeps some of her clothes in the closet and keeps her purse next to the chair she use to sit in. It's always good to see my father, as we don't get to see each other that much anymore. There was a time that when ever we did get together we would just butt heads constantly. Now as we have gotten older we have both mellowed alot, and we really don't want to spend the short time we have together fighting.

The first thing we did when I got there was to head out to New Smyrna Beach to go to a restaurant called the Fish Camp. It is sort of a rustic place on the inlet, with open windows all around and a lot of junk on the walls and ceiling. The food, mostly seafood, is always fresh and good. This is also the week for motorcycle people, its called Biketober Fest. And there were bikes everywhere. Now twenty years ago my father would not like all these bikers about. But he has mellowed, and the fact that the bikers cause less problem then the spring break crowd is another factor.
Now he doesn't ever mention the baked bean wrestling at some of the bars, which I keep pressing to go see. Any how we had lunch and talked and had a good time together.

The next day I suggested that we go up to Daytona Beach and go through the Nascar Experience. It is a building at the Daytona speedway with all kinds of Nascar crap in side. So off we go to Daytona. We arrive at the track and there is about 10,000 bikers all over the place, but we find a parking spot and enter the Nascar experience. As we entered the building our ears exploded with the sounds of a county rock band playing. All of a sudden my father was zooming around the building just glancing at the exhibits. He could not get out of the building fast enough. The music was just a little to loud. So off we go to have lunch once again. It was another really nice place on the inlet again.

That night my father wanted to go out to his favorite spot The Inn. It took about 5 minutes to get there and when we entered the restaurant everybody in the place was treating him like he was the king of the world. The waitresses were all over him giving him little pecks on the cheeks. I see his eyes light up, he is in seventh heaven. He's like Don Corleone at Micheal's wedding everyone is coming over to our table to greet him. After a while his buddy Bud come in and sets down. Bud is coming from work. He is employed in a law office. Bud is going on 90 years of age and still works, well good form him. There is one thing you don't want to ask Bud when you see him, and that is, how are you. Because he will say every time, and that could be 10 or 15 times a day, "I checked the obituary's today and my name was not in there". So that is why I spend a whole day thinking about not greeting him by saying how are you. I just say "Bud". We all finish with the meal and a drink and start to head out the door. I get to the car and I am sitting there waiting for my Dad but he is no where to be found. I start to look for him and I find him saying his good byes to all of his girls one by one. He finaly gets to the car, and make it to his home. Just before I turn in for the night I say my good byes,because I wanted to leave early in the morning. But he say to wake him up before I go.

The next morning I'm up dressed and packed and ready to go. My father and I hugged each other and said our good byes. It alway makes me sad to leave him now. Because it could be the last time we will spend together. I hope not. I had a great visit and I think he did too.

Get to Know Your Candidates ............Not!

Here is a bonus post for you to think about.

Do you want to know what the candidates are talking about and were they stand on issues. Look everywhere but TV News. The coverage of the candidates is not about issues but, instead, it pursues trivia such as haircuts, and laughs, and cleavage, andparking tickets, and head movements, and marital sleeping habits, and chiseled good looks, and cats, and accents. The unfair and unbalanced network headlined all of these stories. No wonder we got a dunce for president.

Good Bye Boca Ratoians Vacation 5

Finally we are getting out of Dodge. We had great weather, if your idea of great weather is vacationing on the sun, all week. So we are packing for the flight home and now our clothes don't fit in the suitcases. What happen did our things suddenly expand, or has my wife cleaned out every shopping mall in town. I think the mall clean out is the cause. Well any how we loaded the car up, and off we go to Palm Beach airport, after we dropped off our rental car. They needed the car right a way, because there was going to be a big demolition derby show that night, and they had to paint the numbers on the doors.

We arrive at the airport, check our expanding bags and head for security. We get through with no problems and finally reach the waiting area for our flight. I was a little nervous because we had only 40 minutes to make a connection in Philadelphia, for the flight to Portland Maine. But we boarded on time and as we pulled away from the terminal to get in line for take off, the pilot announces that we will be delayed for a while because of traffic in Philadelphia. That's when I put my head between my knees and started to breath heavily. We are never going to make the connections in Philadelphia.

We finally take off and the, you can take your seat belt off sign come on. I always keep my seat belt on the whole flight. Why you ask. I'll tell you, because if the plane every had a quick loss in altitude, and you were not buckled in. Well my friends you would either smash your head on the ceiling or push your head right through the top of the airliner. Just like what happens to the Three Stooges when one of them hits a bump in a car. So there is a little airline safety lesson for you boys and girls.

We landed in Philadelphia with about 20 minutes to spare till our connecting flight took off. Of course everything started to go wrong. The first thing was that someone in the front of the plane decided that a steamer trunk would be ok to be a carry on, and was taking her sweet old time trying to extricate this giant suitcase out of the overhead. They finally get the so called carry on out and we are heading up the ramp to the terminal and my mother-in-law has to go to the bathroom. Now I don't want to say that my mother-in-law takes alot of time in the bathroom. But one time she went in a bathroom as a 72 year old and came out a 73 year old. My wife takes her to the nearest restroom as I look for the wheelchair that was suppose to be waiting for us as we got off the plane. No wheelchair. I look around and there are about 3 people who need wheelchairs also. I ask one of them what happened, and they said a mix up had accrued and that they would be sending a cart to pick us up and drop us at our gate. So now I am really sweating we now have about 15 minutes before we are suppose to board. No cart and no wife and mother-in-law. Somebody please help me. Just then the cart arrived and my wife and mother-in-law emerge from the lady's room. It's a frigging miracle. So we all hopped on the cart and off we go to our gate, which it turned out to be quite a walk. We now have about 8 minutes and my head ia about to explode. We are dropped off at our gate, and we rushed up to the counter with our boarding passes. And the women says "Oh your flight is delayed, and it will not take off for another hour and 45 minutes". Yes boys and girls, life is a bitch sometimes and then you die.

While we are waiting everybody decides that we are a little hungry. That small packet of kibbles and the half glass of water served on the plane, just wasn't that filling. There was a little food court right next to our gate, so I walk over and pick out some tempting treats that we would all enjoy. But when I give the girl behind the counter my debt card she says "Credit car machine is down we only take cash". I reach in to my pocket and pull out 37 cents, this is not good. The 37 cents was the total cash we all had at the time. So me being the hunter gatherer of the group I am off to find food that you can purchase with a credit card. One hour later having walked 17 miles to find a working credit card machine. I returned with 2 slices of cold pizza and a philly cheese steak that the cheese had coagulated. And they only cost me 35 dollars.

We get on our flight to Portland and it is a wonderful flight, short and no problems. And one of the best things was that we had our bags and were in our car with in 15 minutes of landing. And it only took us 8 and 1/2 hours to fly from Florida to Portland. If I ever want to go one vacation again, somebody please shoot me.

Spin Class Passed Gas

Cue announcer: Tonight a little secret that has never been reveled before and we will be reveling it. tonight.
Film of a spin class with a snappy bassline dominated song is being played in the back round.
The music fads as the announcer starts talking:One of the most disgusting of subject will be talked about tonight. And I'm talking about the passing of bodily gasses, or farts as they are known on the street. And not in the privacy of your home or car, but in spin class of all places. Yes good evening everybody I'm Barkey McSnowzer and I will interviewing a spin class participant about this growing problem. He will be shrouded in black so no one will be able to see his face. Lets get started.
Barkey...Mr X if that is your real name. Why don't you tell us when you first noticed this problem.

Mr X...Well Barkey, the first time was while we were doing floor exercises after spin. I had just completed a reverse crunch and the instructor said to pull your knees to your chest. And then that's when it happen.

Barkey...Go on Mr. X.

Mr X...It just slipped out I didn't want to happen it just did. I'm so sorry.

Barkey...Take it easy Mr. X . Just slow down and give us the facts. What slipped out?

Mr X...Gas, you know from back there. I couldn't help it. One minute there was nothing and then there was this horrible sound. Like air escaping from a balloon . I started coughing to try to cover up, I don't think anybody heard it.

Barkey...Was there any odor associated with the gas?

Mr X...I don't know . I did not smell anything, but you never know. I thought I noticed the women next to me knees buckling but I don't know if it was because of my my gas leak.

Barkey...So has this happen anymore since then?

Mr X...Just 2 times and it is always when I am pulling my knees to my chest . I have been trying lately to simultaneously squeeze my cheeks together and pull my knees to my chest. But I keep getting a full body cramp.

Barkey...A full body cramp?

Mr X...Yes Barkey. You end up with your body looking like Joe Cocker for about 30 seconds. It's very painful.

Barkey...I can imagine. So what are you doing now to combat this problem? I'm talking about the gas problem.

Mr X...Well Barkey , I try with all of my might to stop it before it happens but if it happens it happens. What can I do. I am trying to bring this problem out in the open so that people like me, the occasional gas passer ,don't feel we are all alone.

Barkey...I understand that you started a orginization to help people with this spin class problem.

Mr X...Yes its called FAPT. Farters are people too.

Barkey...Well thank you Mr.X for bringing this problem to the forefront.

Mr X...Thanks Barkey.

The lights fade out and the credits roll. The End.

The Animals in Spin Class

Let me spin you a little tale, about spinning class again.

Please Uncle Willie no more spin class storey's.

Sorry Timmy spinning is my life and my life is spinning.

This Monday after the class the evil spin mistress Amy, said that we were all like animals in the way we worked out. So I started to think about what animal each person would represent so this is what I came up with.

1. Amy the 500 pound gorilla. Da.


2. Dede a hummingbird. Because is really fast and the bird thing is because she is so musical.


3. Heidi giraffe because she is tallish.


4. Polly can she be anything but a chicken.


5. Willie a peanoceros. A combination of a beautiful peacock and the strength of a rhinoceros


6. Mary is a cheetah because she is fast and relentless.


7. Michelle is a Irish setter,well because she is Irish..


8. Jim is lion strong and steady.

Well that's it, I will probably be killed by the whole class Monday but I have had a good life so far. Peace.

You Say Meister and I Say Master

This is to Mrs. or Mr. Anonymous if that is really your name. Meister in German means master. Thanks for your comment because I really love when people take the time to do it. And I was very glad that you are such a knit picker about watching my spelling and the meanings of all words. I know that you have spelled each and ever word correctly your whole life. And now I wish I were you. Thanks alot. Your Pal Willie.

Spin Class Boca Style.....Vacation 4

Wow Uncle Willie spin us another yarn about spin class, please. OK kids sit back and relax because that's just what I am going to do. Well I got tired of hanging around the condo in a couple of days, stuffing my face with Chips Ahoys and spice ham. I had passed a gym while I was out buying Chips Ahoy and spice ham, so I decided to stop in and ask if they had a spin class. The gym was call Fitness First Health Club and it was something. It was huge, it had a very large room with work out machines and a back room with free weights that was eminence. It had a room for aerobics and another just for spin. So I *moesed up to the desk and asked the women about signing up for a class. She said "you will have to talk to Ben about that". So here comes Ben and he gives me a hardy handshake and we head to his office. He informs me that I would have to sign up for the week so I can take the classes. And me being the spin meister general I say" sign me up Benny boy". Before I agreed to sign up for the week Benny boy is my best new friend. As soon as the contract is sign Benny and I aren't close any more and he says "Get out of here you knucklehead". So me being the knucklehead that I am I, beat it.

The next day at 9:30 I am at the club and ready to go. With my bottle of water and my pink towel. I noticed that they had towels there and I would not bring one the next day. I head to the spin class room, and it is filled with bikes, there must have been 40 of them. So I grab one, and set it up and I am ready to spin my ass off. The class had about 25 other people in the class, all women. They were all ages from late teens to people in their 60's. The instructor walks in to the room and mount her bike and is ready to go. I noticed something unusual about her, I am very observant about these things, she looks like she is about to give birth any minute. But that never got in the way of the workout. She pushed herself very hard. Not as hard as me, but hard. It was a very good workout and the workout room was great too, the music was blaring and that works for me. I love getting lost in the music. But I am the spin meister.

The only difference in this class and the class I take at home is that most of the women in the class, in Florida, are wooping it up and yelling and woo hoing for the whole all class. Now I know what General Custer's last stand sounded like.

The next day I go for the class and I leave my pink towel home. Well go figure no towels. I did the whole class wiping away the sweat with square of paper towels. Very smooth and sophisticated on my part. But all in all it was a good work out. The one problem about working out in Florida and it is, stepping out of doors after a workout, with 95 degree temperatures, that there is no relief. It was so hot that I noticed that the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. It's so hot you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. Well you get the picture.

* I don't know if this is the correct spelling of this word, because I cannot find this word anywhere. This word use to describe the way that cowboys use to walk up to the bar in the saloons. Willie moesied up to the bar for a shot of red eye. When I hit spell check I get messed,mossed,moused and moussed.

I would like to give a tip of the hat( I got tip of the hat phrase from my friend Jeremy who got it from someone named Jim and now I am going to use it as well, well because I like the way it sounds, so there.) to Jack who sent the following;
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source - Share This mo·sey (mō'zē) Pronunciation Key intr.v. mo·seyed, mo·sey·ing, mo·seys Informal
To move in a leisurely, relaxed way; saunter: moseyed over to the club after lunch.
To get going; move along.

How Far Can You Spit Poll

Well once again the numbers were great 5 responders, wow that is certainly spectacular and I want to thank all who voted. And to those who may have voted twice, Jeremy. I hope you can tell that I am being playfully jocular or flippant. I've alway wanted to be playfully jocular and now I am. The people who took the poll will be left alone. The people who did not can expect a visit from the 2007 Boston Red Soxs, who have won the award for the most spitting on camera during a world series, who will be insturcting each of you in the art of spitting.
Thank You
Your Pal Willie

The Ann Coulter Song

Here is a bonus post for your enjoyment.
Thank you,
The Management

I Hope I Didn't Just Say " D'oh"

Sunday I was reading a supplement that had come in NY Times about a group who were climbing Mt Kilimanjaro. One of the climbers was described as a Simpson's quoter. And I thought that I may be too. Cowa bonga I really don't think so. But you know it may be true. Just the other day I had a conversation about vampires when I said at one point "Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos". But I don't think that was from the Simpson's. But it may be working its way into my vocabulary with out me noticing it. Well like for instance,I had just witnessed a bad accident and was calling for help, and said to the operator"operator! Give me the number for 911!". So maybe it is. Come to think of it the other day I was talking to friend about high school and he asked me if I failed English, and I said "Me fail English? That's unpossible". And this pass tuesday I got a traffic ticket and in talking about the policeman that gave me the ticket and I just blerted out to my buddy, "they think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants". And yesterday I said "You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head". I don't think its a real problem, but the strong must protect the sweet, ah caramba , I found a moonrock in my nose! Some body help me please I bent my wookie. .................... D'oh!

Vacation 3 (At the Condo)

Well we finally arrived at our destination Boca West. This place is really something. I always refer to it as Disney Land because it just to perfect. There is not a blade of grass that is out of place, not a cigarette butt on the grounds and there are robots that look like real people working everywhere. I made up that last one, but you get the picture.

Before you can get onto the grounds you have to pass through a check point. You have to tell the guard who's condo you are staying in and also your name. Now you have to do this every time. Even if you, by mistake, backed up a foot, while at the check point, you would have to give the same information all over again. I don't know how many times I had gone out and in, maybe 100 in the course of 10 days, but each and ever time it was the same thing. I knew every guards name by heart, but I would still have to show my licence to them every time. I guess it's to keep people like me out of there.

At the condo there are parking spot for each owner. The parking spot for our condo was the longest distance from the front door. That in it self is not to bad but, all week long we were the only car in the parking lot. And me being the nice guy that I am parked just in our designated space. The down side to this parking space was the weather. It was one million degrees with 200 percent humidity.(The last sentence was an exaggeration.) By the time I reached the car I needed a shower. I spent the whole vacation with dark circles of sweat under my arms. A real turn on for people.

We finally get settled and off to the pool we go. Like I said before this place is manicured to the max. The pool is beautiful and the water everyday was about 94 degrees. But one of the best thing, was that there were virtually no one using the pool. It was good because of the privacy but bad because I could not show off my pure white body. I don't want to say that I was too white, but the guy cleaning the pool asked me if I was an albino.

In the pool area they have a hot whirlpool also. I did not go in because I did not want to boil myself, the temp of the water felt about 150 degrees. But I did heat up a bowl of soup in it. Really convenient.

The people I did meet at the pool were very nice but a little out of my league. I was talking to one man in the pool and he told me that he flys down every two weeks.
I of course asked him if his arm were tired. That's when he doggy paddled away from me. Another person a women had so much gold jewelry on when she entered the pool, she sunk right to the bottom like a gold sinker. I told one women that my wife and I were from Maine, and she said "What part of Florida is Maine in"? I said " no it is a state". She says " is it the 52nd state". I said " No its to the right of Atlantis" and doggy paddled away.

All and all the stay at the condo was fine. Is nice every once in a while to rub elbow with upper crust. But now my elbows are all chafed and red.